We pan in to a fancy stadium, with Hollywood-esque spotlights in front of the doors. And on the roof. And on the walls. And basically everywhere else, because goddammit, SPOTLIGHTS ARE COOL! A plethora of limousines are surrounding the building, as a huge crowd of people and paparazzi - and yes, as this implies, paparazzi are, in fact, not people - standing outside the velvet ropes trying to get through. A giant golden sign that reads AAO Annual Awards adorns the front of the building. It all looks quite spectacular... except, there's one thing about this scene that's just a tad peculiar. But I can't quite put my finger on what it is...

Hm... is the statue in front of the building tipping over? No, no, it seems to be fine. Are the bushes surrounding it misshapen? No, no, they appear to be perfectly aligned. Are the riot officers tasing random members of the crowd? Ohh, no, that doesn't appear to be happening... yet. Is there some sort of issue with the parade that can be seen in the background, in which beads are being flung to flashing women? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... hmmm, no, no, after a thorough examination, I've deduced that isn't where it is either, although I should probably double-check...

Oh wait! I just realized what the issue is! ...A severe lack of movement. Indeed, the entire scene is completely still. Nobody is budging an inch. The spotlights all seem frozen in place. It would seem that this is a completely still image. The screen nevertheless stays on it while the music starts to play, and a voice - one that is clearly secretly villainous in nature - can be heard...



???: The AAO Annual Awards...!!!



...and suddenly the still image drops, and it's revealed that this was merely a picture that was being held up to the camera by Unas, who is seen standing next to Meph.



Crystal Meph: ...Look absolutely nothing like that. Ahahaha, yes, uh, you see... funny story behind this, really - um, as you may remember, last year, due to a few rather unwise budget decisions on my part - and for the last time, Unas, I said I was sorry, I'm a damned giant purple floating eyeball, what do I know about money?! - we ended up being €1.2 billion in debt. Well, now it's a year later, and we have successfully paid off, um... how much of that?

Unas: €400.

Crystal Meph: €400! Right, so hey, we're getting there! But uh, safe to say, we could not afford... um, anything really, for this.

Unas: As a matter of fact, this is actually my house that we are broadcasting from...



The scene pans to show the scene. Behind them there is what appears to be a makeshift desk that resembles ones used by talk show hosts for interviews. On the wall above it, the words AAO Annual Awards 2011 are written in big golden letters. With a marker. Seems pretty ghetto for what is supposed to be a lavish awards ceremony, but frankly, I've seen worse. Much... much... much much much worse. Oh, oh God, it's all coming back to me... I don't-I don't want to talk about it...



The Eyeball: But never fear! Despite this minor inconvenience known to the public world as "destitution", we will nevertheless provide to you an amazing show, to celebrate the talents of all of our faithful members! Isn't that right, Unas?!

Unas: That's right, Meph! I hate you so much...

The Kicker Of OH SO VERY MANY PUPPIES: What?

Unas: Hm?


Pause.


Mephamphetamine: ...Well, anyway, we have a great show for you tonight, featuring Billy Mays! ...And uhhh... pretty much nobody else. Because, yeah, we can't afford anyone else.

Unas: And Mays is only here because he signed a two-year contract with us...

The Man That, Most Likely, Is Going To Be Breaking Into Your House And Kicking The Crap Out Of Your Puppy TONIGHT: In any case, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the-


The evil evil eyeball is interrupted by a loud thumping noise ringing throughout the home.


Unas: ...What was that?


A few other thumping noises are heard, these coming from above them. To this, the Flying Purple People Eater gasps expectantly.


Flying Purple People Eater: Ooh! Santa?! Is that you?! Ooh yay, finally...!


He happily wal- err, floats off-screen, before reappearing with a shotgun.


It Looked-a Like-A Purple People Eater To Me!: ...I get to kill him! Oooh, hoo hoo, I've wanted to kill him for SOOOO long! I mean, really, how dare he be spreading all that joy for the last thousand or so years?! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?! I HATE JOY! I WISH TO DEVOUR IT ALLLLL!!!!

Unas: ...Meph, I really have to doubt that it's-


But this time it's him that is cut off by the lights abruptly going out.


The Guy Who's Thankfully About To Get What's Coming To Him: Err, what is- ACK!!


From the darkness, we hear the sound of our two hosts being attacked by some unforeseen force. In this moment, the feed gets cut. Moments later, it's brought back up, and in the darkness we see the back of a man standing behind the makeshift desk, only slightly illuminated by a green light.


???: ...Question. Who are the folks that strike fear into the hearts of millions, in-universe... and out? Who are the catalysts to nigh-on every tale every told? ...Who are the ones that make every single story in existence worth hearing? Hmhmhmhm, well this riddle really isn't a very hard one to solve, now is it...? I dare say any particular one of the shaved monkeys that are watching this broadcast could tell us the answer...


The man slowly turns around as the lights come back on, revealing that he is, in fact-


The Riddler: ...villains. Yes, that's right. It's the villains - such as I, The Riddler! - that make any tale of fiction, and in many cases, even non-fiction, what they are! It is us that get you neanderthals to read books, watch movies, and yes... even play fangames! For there would be no conflict in any story, if it weren't for us genius criminal masterminds coming up with them, and jamming them into the primitive little minds of our heroes! And so you see that is why I - and a few of my... ahem, endearing friends - have interrupted this little broadcast, to make sure that everyone knows that it is indeed the "bad guys" that deserve the awards around here.


With this, The Riddler picks up a piece of paper and begins silently reading it.


Riddler: Hmph... and by the looks of this winner's sheet, it would certainly seem that quite a few horrendously bad people are indeed winning awards today. But I have to doubt that the imbeciles that were running this show would give them the proper respect that they deserve. So it was up to us 'crazy' people to take control. Of course, considering the two that have been indisposed of consist of a giant purple floating eyeball that is comprised entirely of drugs, and what would appear the Creature From The Black Lagoon, I do believe we have the edge in sanity for once... in any case, let's not keep those horrible awful winners waiting any longer! Let's get on with the show!


With this, Riddler raises up his arms in excitement, hitting the wall with his Question Mark Staff, likely doing so to bring attention to the "sign", which has now been completely painted over with green spray paint. It now reads "The E. Nigma Show!".


Riddler: And now, our first award! Let's start out in a commodious way, with a big award and a big villain to match! Here to present our first award is none other than the Clown Prince Of Crime himself... The Joker!


From somewhere, we hear carnival music blaring loudly, accompanied by a large round of applause. Into the screen comes the Joker, blowing kisses to the non-existent crowd. Behind him walks a stone-faced clown minion holding up a boom box, providing the music and cheering.


The Joker: Ahhhh, Eddie, mah boy! How ya been?! It's been too long! Here, put 'er there, 'ol buddy, 'ol pal, 'ol friend of mine!


The Joker presents his hand for a shake, but Riddler does not seem interested in shaking it. He casually gestures towards Joker's gloved palm, in which the Harlequin of Hate is not-so-subtly hiding a tack.


Joker: Whoopsie! Ahahahahaha, sorry 'bout that... I'm a creature of habit!


He flicks the tack away, before presenting his hand again. This time, Riddler concedes to shaking his hand without incident. Riddler offers Joker a seat, and he takes it, before propping his legs up on the desk.


Riddler: Nice to have you with us today. Th-

Joker: Ho-hoh, I know it is!

Riddler: ...The award you're here to present to us today is one that highlights a uniquity - cases that distinguish themselves from the garden-variety austere trials one typically sees.

Joker: ...For the benefit of those watching that do not in fact have a thesaurus handy, what the less hammy version of Luke Atmey is saying is, I'm here to present the Best comedy or miscellaneous trial of 2011 award! Because who better to deal with the comedy, then your favorite criminal - and mine - the Joker?! Am I right? ...AM I RIGHT?!

Joker Mook: You're right, boss.

Joker: Thaaaat's right, I'm right!


With that, The Joker takes out an envelope, and opens it, taking out the card inside.


Joker: And now, the winner of this award is... the-... The Omniscient Game...?


The Joker stares at the card with wildly uncharacteristic silence for a few moments. He then calmly places the paper onto the desk, before calmly sliding his chair out, standing up and walking off-screen. Moments later he comes back with a cup and a pitcher of water. He slowly pours the water into the cup. He then takes up the cup, and takes a big drink... before proceeding to spit it all out in surprise.


Joker: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!

Riddler: ...Something the matter, Joker?


Clearly something is indeed the matter, as Joker is shaking with rage.


Joker: The Omniscient Game... is... not... a... comedy...

Riddler: Aha, well no, I mean like you said, the award is comedy OR miscellaneous, so-


Joker cuts Riddler off by producing a pistol with a rather overly-long barrel from his pants (no immature jokes please) and placing it right onto Riddler's forehead. Joker's voice has seemingly dropped a couple of octaves, sounding cool and evil rather than the jovial tone he typically exhibits.


Joker: You told me that I would be presenting an award for a comedy case...

Riddler: Ah... aha, w-w-well now, that's not quite right... see, what I said was that you'd probably be presenting one for a comedy case! I mean, after all, the-their are just so many comedy cases in comparison to just a handful of misc. trials, aha, I mean really, wh-what were the odds-

Joker: QUIET! I don't take well to liars, Riddler. Now, here's your punishment...


And with that, Joker pulls the trigger...

...and out comes a long wooden stick from the pistol, that pushes Riddler's head and the gun itself back, from the barrel of the gun. At the end, a little flag unfurls, that reads "BANG!" After a few seconds of awkward silence, Joker bursts out laughing.


Joker: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Ahahahaha! Ahhhhooohoohoo oohoo! Ooohoo! Ohhh, the look on your face! Ahahahaheheheeeeeee!!!


He falls to the ground, and begins literally rolling on the floor laughing. Riddler, meanwhile, does not look quite so amused as he readjusts his hat. Joker pulls himself up off the floor, wiping a tear from his eye.


Joker: Ahhhh, that was good... welp, I guess my job is done. Won't be seeing me again, nosiree! Soooo I guess I'mma have to be hittin' the 'ol dusty trail...


Joker puts his hands in his pockets and walks away, casually whistling the Andy Griffith theme, his mook following him close by. Riddler waits for him to be out of screen and out of earshot, before turning back to the camera.


Riddler: And now, to present our next award... The Joker!


Joker dashes back into the screen, wrapping his arms around Riddler and crying on his shoulder, speaking between weeps.


Joker: Wahhhhhh! I! Missed! You! So! Mu-huh-huh-huuuuuuuch!

Riddler: ...Okay, okay, that's enough, get off me...

Joker: Oh, I'm so glad you're back from Florida, daddy! Mommy's new boyfriend is so meeeeeaaan! He hits me, daddy! And not like how you do! It's in an extra-mean way!

Riddler: Get off me!


Riddler shoves Joker off of him, to which he responds to by making an instant recovery, folding his arms in defiance.


Joker: Hmph! Such neglectful parenting... you should be ashamed of yourself.

Riddler: Will you just present the next award, already?

Joker: Must you be such a spoilsport, Eddie? Ah well... the next award I'd like to present is known as the Best comedy or miscellaneous trial of all time!

Riddler: ...Hm. You know, I believe we had this award last year too.

Joker: Eh...? Wait wait, hold on, you're saying a trial has already been named the best comedy or misc trial of all time? ...Well, then, for God's sakes, Eddie, why are we even having this show?! What are we just gonna name it again? How silly... huhuhuh, fortunately, I'mma pretty silly guy! So let's go ahead and name that trial again!


Out Joker pulls another envelope. He opens it and holds up the card.


Joker: And the winner of this award is... is... oh... oh for the love of-...

Riddler: Something the matt-

Joker: The Omniscient Game! Damn it all! This is officially not funny!


Joker begins banging his hands onto the desk in a rage.


Riddler: Joker, calm down!

Joker: I AM CALM!!! But dammit, this is just ridiculous! And not in a good way, either! I swear if that trial had a face, I would stab it!

Riddler: Well I guess it is a bit odd that something else won. Perhaps we are meant to infer that last year's winner - Turnabout Orange - is the best comedy trial of all time, and the Omniscient Game is the best misc. trial of all time...

Joker: That's not what I'm talking about! I am here to present awards for comedy trials, not this "miscellaneous" garbage! I. Am. Comedic! I most certainly am not miscellaneous! I've never been miscellaneous in my entire life! I'm the single least miscellaneous person I've ever known! Hell, if anyone's miscellaneous around here, it's YOU!

Riddler: What?! And just what is that supposed to mean?

Joker: YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS! You're the miscellaneous one here! Your suit's miscellaneous, and your hat's miscellaneous, and your riddles are miscellaneous, and your face is miscellaneous, and your uselessly tiny mask is miscellaneous AND YOUR MOTHER'S MISCELLANEOUS!

Riddler: ...You don't know what the word 'miscellaneous' means, do you?

Joker: Brother, after that rant, I do believe it's lost any and all meaning! Dyaaahahaahahahahahahahah, ahhh... well then, if you'll excuse me, I'm outie 5000.


With this, the Joker hops back up to his feet and power walks off, having displayed one of his infamous mood swings.


Riddler: What an entirely normal man he is. At any rate, let's move on to our next award... riddle me this! Beautiful to the eye, yet poison to the touch. To men and women alike, she can be quite the succubus. She's really quite the devil, all she's missing is the horns. Those without a green thumb should take heed - for this rose has thorns! Who is she...? Heh, well this one's not so difficult, now is it? Anyone who knows anything about Batman could tell you that the answer is... Poison Ivy!


On that note, several vines suddenly pop up out of the floor and grow exponentially all around the house, especially the desk, making the room look reminiscent of your average rain forest. (Save the rain forests!) From the ceiling cascades a pod to the floor. The pod opens, and out of it steps Poison Ivy.


Poison Ivy: Good evening, Eddie.

Riddler: Evening, Ivy. I suppose walking through the door like a regular person - or a magician - is too much to ask of you, hm...?

Ivy: Ohhh Eddie, I'm hardly what you'd call a regular person... as a matter of fact I'd say I'm quite special... wouldn't you?


With that, she blows him a kiss - and along with it comes an ethereal mist that spreads around Riddler's head.


Riddler: Wha... oh, ahahah, I see. You're attempting to use those little pheromones of yours to control me. Well sorry Ivy, but you'll find them to be quite useless against me. No one can control a mind such as mine!


Riddler taps his temple in the universal "See? Me smart!" gesture - seemingly unaware of the fact that his eyes are now glowing green, to which Ivy smiles a devious smile.


Ivy: Is that a fact, Eddie? Well let's just see about that... how about you do me a favor, and... eat that little hat of yours?

Riddler: Ahahaha, what? Such a thing is just laughable! I mean, why wou-


Riddler stops when he notices that he is involuntarily taking off, and taking a bite out of, his hat.


Riddler: ...Well, okay, I'm uh - *munch* - ahaha I may be eating it, sure, but - *munch* - not because YOU told me to. I'm eating it - *munch* - because I WANT to eat it. *munch* It's a very tasty hat, I'll have you - *munch* - know. Just as there exists - *munch* - edible panties, there exists - *munch* - edible hats!

Ivy: Mmhmhmhm, yes, I see... you can stop now.

Riddler: ...And I've decided that I should.


Riddler puts his hat back on, trying to ignore the holes bitten off of it.


Riddler: So would you like to present the award now, Madam Ivy? ...Why did I just call you that...?

Ivy: Well since you've been so obedient... I'm here to present the award for Best use of music... though I'm really not sure why.

Riddler: Yeah... I couldn't figure out how to relate any of the awards to plants, so I just gave you a random one. Sorry about that, mistress. ...There I go again, what is that...?

Ivy: Hmph. You humans are so ignorant. You don't seem to realize that plants relate to everything. No matter where you go in this world, no matter what you're doing, they'll always be there... just below the surface. And one day, they will rise from the ground and make you all pay for your ignorance... but for now, I'll just say that the winner is One Hell Of A Turnabout.

Riddler: Excellent work, and a very true prediction! Thank you very much, Empress Ivy-sama! ...Okay, what the hell?!

Ivy: Hm? Is there something the matter, Eddie? You're not bothered by my presence, are you?

Riddler: No! No no no, not at all! But um... before you go, do you have any parting words for the simians watching at home?

Ivy: Yes; death to America.

Riddler: Death to America...? Ahah, um, I do believe you're taking the 'eco-terrorist' title a bit far there-

Ivy: A PLANT-BASED JIHAD ON ALL OF YOUR HOUSES.

Riddler: O-Okay, you've made your point... now I don't mean to rush you, but we do have other presenters to get to...

Ivy: ...Of course. Just remember what I said. One day, you will all wake up enveloped by vines and leaves, being absorbed into Mother Nature. But don't worry, Eddie. I'll make sure that you enjoy it...


And with that, Ivy is enwrapped in a pod again, which descends into the floor and disappears, taking all of her plantlife with her. With a wistful sigh, Riddler turns back to the camera, his eyes still glowing the green grow of Ivy's indoctrination.


Riddler: Sadly, we must move on. Riddle me this! You can count on me to bring you your salvation! Just as I can count on me how many I've saved! Who am I...? Hmph... well, I guess the difficulty here comes from one's definition of 'salvation' - but the answer, nonetheless, is Victor Zsasz!


On cue, Zsasz slowly walks up to the desk, staring at his knife while reciting an eloquent sonnet to himself.


Victor Zsasz: ...Cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting...


DISCLAIMER: I may not be fully aware of what the words "eloquent" or "sonnet" mean. But be that as it may or may not be, Zsasz takes a seat and starts rocking back and forth on it, as all serial killers are required by law to do. Don't ask me why they'd be bothered to follow this particular law while ignoring all others, they just do.


Riddler: Welcome to the show, Victor. Must be nice being on global television. It's almost like you're right there in the homes of the dozens - and dozens - of people that are watching this broadcast.

Zsasz: ...I've been in many of their homes before... whether they know it or not... eheh... eheheheheh...

Riddler: Ahh yes, yes, I know. "The calling is coming from inside the house" and all of that. But today, you're here to present the award for Best Game.

Zsasz: The best game...? Eheh... oh... I'll tell you what the best game is. The best game is the game that I play. First, you find them... the perfect match for you. You follow them everywhere... you learn everything about them. Everything about who they are, everything they do, day after day after agonizingly dull day... and then you call them. And let them know about all of the... interesting things you've learned...

Riddler: That's nice, Victor, but-

Zsasz: They change their phone number... you just learn their new one. They change their locks... you pick them. You don't go in, you don't do anything, you just... unlock the door. Just to let them know that you're still there. And that their attempts to keep you out are just as meaningless as the lives that they pretend to lead...

Riddler: Seriously now-

Zsasz: And then one day, it finally happens. You finally run out of patience. Break into their homes, with ease, and... plunge the knife into them. Over and over... as many as it takes to satisfy you. And when you're done, you leave them... posed. To... to let them appear the way they are - finally being able to enjoy the salvation from their wretched days amongst the living... and of course, the end - when you let yourself feel what's it like, cutting into your own skin. Letting your own flesh serve as a memoriam to their day of ascension!

Riddler: Victor!! ...I'm sorry to have to stop you - because frankly I think this makes for exquisite tv - but we only have so long to broadcast this, and I know from experience that you can go on about this all day...

Zsasz: Oh no. That's where... you're wrong... I can only talk about it for so long... before I must do it again. And the urge, is starting to hit me right now actually... so I'd best cut... this short. The winner of this award is Ace Attorney: Judgment Seekers... heh... eheh... eheheh... how appropriate. Aren't we all seeking judgment? ...I think I'll go on and pass judgment on someone right now... good day, Mr. Nigma.


Slowly, deliberately, Zsasz stands up from his seat and walks out of the shot, no doubt off to find his next hapless victim. Riddler turns back to the camera.


Riddler: Hasn't this been fun? You knew it would be. It's just as I said, the villains make everything, and you viewers have the single greatest rogues gallery ever assembled - of which I myself am a cornerstone, I might add - here to give you the show! What a special night... speaking of which, up next we're going to have our first special award of the night! Ahaha yes, and uh, judging solely by that title, that would mean that all of the other awards aren't special at all. Yep, all of the rest are completely meaningless and insignificant - but this one! This one is special!


As Riddler prattles on - an art at which he has mastered - up comes a rather inconspicuous looking man, casually walking up to the desk and taking a seat.


Riddler: That's right, hypnotized watchers of the idiot box, we're finally getting to something... that's... important.


Slowly Riddler notices the man sitting besides him, letting his voice drift off.


Riddler: ...I'm, I'm sorry, who are you?

???: My name is Joe Chill.


Chill takes out a cigarette and lights it, just leaving Riddler perplexed as he looks on at him, before continuing.


Joe Chill: A prologue... is a very important thing. It lays the groundwork of the story. It sets the mood for all that precedes it. In some cases, it can even set the tone of an entire franchise... yeah. There's a lot you can tell about a story from the way it begins... and that's why-

Riddler: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to rephrase my previous question - who in the blue hell are you, and why should I care? What are you doing here?

Chill: ...I'm the man that killed Batman's parents.

Riddler: ...What.

Chill: Yep. I shot them... desperate enough for money to kill a kid's parents right in front of him. Fairly certain that's why he is the way he is.


The Riddler could only stare in surprise for a moment, before jumping up to his feet in a rage and grabbing Chill by the collar.


Riddler: Are you telling me that it's your fault the Batman exists?! That he goes around screwing everything up at every turn because of YOU?! I oughta wrap your head in a ratchet, you little worm! You cretin! You! You...


Riddler calms down a bit as he comes to a realization.


Riddler: Wait... if you know that you killed his parents, then... do you know who Batman is?

Chill: For the purposes of this segment, yes, yes I do.

Riddler: TELL ME! ...No! Wait! Don't! I-I need to figure it out on my own! Wait, what am I saying? It's the ultimate secret, I have to know! ...But I need to figure it out with my own genius, not with some two-bit hood's help! Gah! What to do...?!

Chill: While you're deciding that, allow me to present the Frank Sahwit Award - an award given to the trial with the best prologue. And the winner is... The New Year's Turnabout. And now that I've done my job, I'll be getting out of here, because I'm sure most of the rest of the freaks in this place would love to blow my head off...


Chill quietly gets back up and walks away.


Riddler: ...Okay... okay... Chill, I've made my decision! I want you to tell me who h- where did you go?! Damn it all!


Riddler takes a bit to put his head to the desk, before popping back up, back to his composed self.


Riddler: Hmph, always was good with quick recoveries... but, moving right along from that pleasant conversation, let's introduce our next presenter. Riddle me this! My work has always been fake - blame Hollywood for that. No matter what form I take, my heart will always be black. Who am I...? Hmph, with any other setting, that may seem like quite the deep riddle, but here, it only refers to a man who we all know to be quite-





The Riddler is cut off and as incredible music blares from seemingly nowhere, out trots Jacques Portsman gesturing towards the crowd - which, again, does not exist. He takes a seat next to a confused Riddler.


Jacques Portsman: Ah, thank you! Thank you! Ye- thank you! Everyone! Please! Please! ...Do continue cheering. Yeah, keep it going, go ahead!

Riddler: ...Um, excuse me-

Portsman: OH YOU CAN DO IT LOUDER THAN THAT! Come on now, show me what you got! You know you love me! It's the only thing we have in common!

Riddler: *Ahem* ...Mr. Portsman, is it?

Portsman: Wha...? Oh yeah, that's right, you're here too. Completely forgot. So how are things, Riddlen?

Riddler: Never been better, thanks!


Riddler smiles at his guest, before looking away and rolling his eyes in disgust.


Vex Vulper: Displeased to meet you!

Riddler: Hmph, yeah, same here- wait, what?


A puzzled Riddler turns to face the person sitting next to him - only to see that it once again isn't who he's expecting to see...


Scarlet Hall: ...Problem?

Riddler: Several! You seem to be changing into a new person every ten seconds!

Naota Feykneme: I am not! What a ridiculous thing to say!

Riddler: What-?! ...Oh. Oh, hah, right, of course, now I understand. You're the man I was just introducing. Clayface!


Clayface proceeds to confirm this by taking his true - rather disgusting form.


Clayface: In the flesh! ...Well, sort of. And I'm here to present the award for Best use of custom sprites! And the winner is... Turnabout Detective Girl!


He quickly transforms again at this.


"Naota Feykneme": Hmmm, now I wonder who sealed that one up...

Riddler: One must wonder... speaking of which, um, Clayface? You appeared as all of those characters because they're custom sprites, yes?


Another needless transformation...


"Your Mom": Yes, yes I did.

Riddler: Well then... why did you first appear as Jacques Portsman? He's not a custom sprite, nor is he even a custom character.


Clayface reverts to his regular state again.


Clayface: Wait, what? Seriously? He's not? ...Weird. Sure does SEEM like he's the genius invention of someone on AAO, doesn't it?

Riddler: ...Suddenly I feel like the writer's bias is coming through with you, Basil.

Clayface: Wh-what? Pfft, c-come on now, aha, that's just silly. There's no biased implications in this at all, I only said that because uh... because er... edible panties and um...


After a bit of nervous pondering, Clayface decides to transform into Batman.


"Batman": SMOKE PELLET!


"Batman" drops a smoke pellet and runs off, leaving Riddler to have a coughing fit in the cloud of smoke.


Riddler: Agh... how... how did you even get that just by copying his appearance?! Ugh...


Riddler whips his cane around to help clear the smoke.


Riddler: Okay... well then, next up... riddle me this! He works tirelessly to save his wife from death's jaws! The both of them can be quite cold, but he'll make sure the love never thaws! Who is he...? Heh, well hell, anytime you hear cold puns, you know who you're dealing with... it's Mr. Freeze!


Rather heavy stomps are heard, as Mr. Freeze makes his way to the desk. With every step he takes, a part of the floor turns to ice.


Riddler: Welcome to the show, Mr. Freeze. Say, I've always wondered - shouldn't it be Dr. Freeze...?

Mr. Freeze: Shouldn't we all be in Arkham right now?

Riddler: Good points all around. Anyway, sit down.

Freeze: I prefer to stand. Now I was told that if I helped you today, you would find a cure for Nora.

Riddler: ...Really? I said that? Wow. I don't remember that at all. What a wildly reckless promise to make...


There's a brief pause, before Freeze takes up his Freeze-Gun and places it to Riddler's head.


Freeze: I'm sorry, what?

Riddler: Ahahahah, well, th-that's not to say that I won't cure her, but um... i-it's just, I'd really have no idea where to start, um-

Freeze: Do you have any idea what it's like to be slowly frozen to death, Mr. Nigma? I will freeze the marrow in your legs. Each bone will shatter and fracture while you remain completely aware of your impending paralysis, begging me to end you.

Riddler: ...W-w-well, maybe we could um... we could ask Empress Ivy! Yes, that's it... she can spawn any kind of plant she wishes, and with it, any new chemical! She could make something purely devised to cure Nora's illness!

Freeze: ...Perhaps... but would she help?

Riddler: Why of course she would! She loves people!


Freeze is obviously not very convinced but reluctantly lowers his weapon, with a sigh.


Freeze: I suppose even the slightest chance is still a chance... that being the case, I am here to present the award for Best emotional story... hm. I was under the impression that nearly every serious trial is an emotional story. To be the best of all of the emotional stories... is it not just another way of saying best trial?

Riddler: More or less... but misleading award names aside, which trial won?

Freeze: Mysterious Sirens and Turnabouts.

Riddler: Oh yes, good, never can hear enough about that, now can we... ah well, thank you for your time, Mr. Freeze.

Freeze: Keep your promise or you will be experiencing a harsh hypothermia-related death.


Freeze turns and walks out, no closing joke or anything. You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that he wasn't here to have fun like the others...


Riddler: Chilling. And now, for the next award, I'd like to introduce you... to...


Suddenly the entire scene changes - the Riddler changes into a Satanic-looking creature, his cane morphing into a scythe. Meanwhile, the wall breaks away revealing a world of spiraling nothingness that's darker than the blackest void. (Mr. Popo: Hm?) The Riddler's reaction to this is surprisingly calm.


Riddler: Hm. It seems I have been abruptly transported to Hell. Well, that's just fine with me. Frankly, this place is probably far nicer than Gotham. Not to mention less scar-

???: I'm watching you.


Riddler jumps in fright and turns to face the person who just scared him.

Oh! It's him!


Riddler: Oh! It's you!

Scarecrow: Yes! It's me, Scarecrow! Here to bring all of your viewers' worst nightmares to life! Here to fill you with enough fear to drive you to oblivion! Whether you know it or not, I have been tormenting you all since the day you were born! Every bad dream you've ever experienced, every illogical phobia you've developed, every screamer video you've ever watched - they were all my doing! And now I will finish the job! I will fill you with so very much fright, that you will be begging me to end your days just to make it all stop! After you see me, you will never fear the afterlife again, because you know that no version of Hell could ever be more terrifying than the world that I send you to! Nyahahahahahahahahahaahahahaahaaaaaaaaa!!! ...Also, I'm here to present the award for Best incomplete trial or investigation.


Scarecrow's frightening voice filter suddenly went away at the end of that little spiel. Riddler casually taps the blade end of his scythe onto his temple, knowing it's actually just his staff and therefore can't hurt him.


Riddler: Seems appropriate, considering this world we're in looks a bit incomplete in of itself...

Scarecrow: It is! It is a world filled with broken apart chunks of reality mixed with the most terrifying special effects our budget can afford! Nyahahahahaahahahhahahaahahahaaaaaa!! ...But anyway, the winner is Turnabout of Courage. Hmph. Turnabout of Courage... BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! No amount of courage can save your mind from the things I'll force it to comprehend! It will be broken! Your entire life will be broken! You'll be reduced to a wailing mess of a human being crying on the floor begging for the visions to stop for the rest of your life! AHahahahahahaahahahaaaaaaaa!

Riddler: Indeed they will! But uh, I do have a question...

Scarecrow: Yes?

Riddler: What we're seeing are the effects of your fear toxin right now, right?

Scarecrow: Of course.

Riddler: But neither of us are freaking out.

Scarecrow: No.

Riddler: So neither of us are on the fear toxin.

Scarecrow: No.

Riddler: ...So who is?

Scarecrow: ...

Riddler: I mean obviously somebody has to be on it in order for there to be any effects. And I was under the impression that people that weren't on it don't see any changes, so...

Scarecrow: The camera.

Riddler: Pardon?

Scarecrow: The camera. I injected the camera with the fear toxin. That's why it's like this.

Riddler: Well... that... would explain it for the domesticated orangutangs watching at home, uh maybe, but how are we seeing it?

Scarecrow: Well... obviously... that's because, um... with the... SMOKE PELLET!


With that, Scarecrow drops a smoke pellet and runs off, taking his nightmare world with him. Riddler is left back in the normal room, in a coughing.


Riddler: Gah! What the hell, does everyone have those except me now?! Ugh... okay, okay, you know what, this has been more taxing on my brilliant mind than I expected it to be. I think I need a minute here. Just um... I don't know, take a commercial break.

***

We return to the scene, and the Riddler seems to have regained his composure.


Riddler: Welcome back, unwashed masses! Did you enjoy that commercial break? I'm sure you did! Well now that you've used up all of your money on Snuggies, I'd like to continue with these awards for some reason. So, next up... riddle me this! I may be flightless, but I am surely a bird to be feared. If ever a day comes where it rains bullets, you know that I'll be prepared! Who am I...? Did you guess this one right? Well no soup for you - it's obviously the Penguin!


The clacking sound of an umbrella hitting the floor can be heard as up walks the Penguin to the desk, using said umbrella like a cane. Accompanying him are three of his biggest mooks.


Penguin: Well! It's about bloody time you had me on this show! Guarantee you the rating's just went through the roof.

Riddler: I believe we just shot up from 24 viewers to 25, yes. Take a seat, Oswald... uh, before we begin - is it really necessary to have them here...?


Penguin takes his seat while following Riddler's extended finger to the mooks behind him - one of whom has taken up Penguin's umbrella, and is rather unwisely fooling around with it.


Penguin: What, them? ...Listen, Nigma. You pulled me into the same building with half of Gotham's criminals - rivals of mine are in here, competition of mine, you understand. Plenty of 'em would love to have my head on a pike. I'm not taking any chances.


As Penguin explains this, one of his 'bodyguards' continues fidgeting with the umbrella. He accidentally clicks a button, opening it... and then seconds later, hits another that causes the umbrella to fire, ending up shooting himself in the face with it. As he drops to the ground, Penguin turns to look back at him - his face showing little more than minor agitation.


Penguin: Oy! What's wrong with you? Didn't anybody ever tell you it's bad luck to open an umbrella indoors? ...Gahahahahaha...

Riddler: Seems that superstition was just proven to be fact!

Penguin: Ah, well, funny business aside - I'm here to present the award for Best crime in a trial or investigation. Haha, now that's appropriate. Nobodies better at crime than me!

Riddler: Ahahaha, yes, well... I'm not so sure about that.

Penguin: ...Boy, you're not tryin' to say that you think you're a better criminal than me, do you?


With that, Penguin gestures forward. On cue, the two remaining henchmen walk over to where Riddler is sitting, hovering just over him.


Riddler: Of course not! I would never say something like that to your face...

Penguin: Good. Now with that in mind... the winner of this award is Turnabout Detective Girl. Gahahahahah, forced suicide... I've got to try that one of these days...

Riddler: It's on my bucket list as well!

Penguin: Well, pleasure doing business with you, but I must be going now. I've got pressing business elsewhere to take care of, and other such statements that are far too vague to be indicative of me in court. Take care.


Penguin stands and takes up his cane from the dead mook's body, before casually making his way out, his bodyguards following him closely, presumably so as to guard his body.


Riddler: Hm. Subtlety has never quite been his strong suit... but nevermind that. It's now finally time to again present an award that has meaning, an award that is significant, an award that is... special! And this time, I think I'll have two guests to help me present it... well, in a manner of speaking... riddle me this! One half is burned, but both halves feel spurned. To me, good and evil are two sides of the same coin. Who am I...? Haha, well it doesn't take a level of genius that's anywhere near my own to know the answer to that one... please welcome: Two-Face!


The faint sound of a coin being flipped is heard, as Two-Face walks into the screen. He's repeatedly flipping his signature half-burned coin as he comes up to the desk, which may explain the sound of a coin being flipped that I believe I mentioned sometime earlier. He's not showing it, but I believe that he's disappointed to find that he doesn't have two chairs to sit on. He settles for the one.


Riddler: It's nice to have you with us today, Harvey.

Two-Face: It's nice to be here, Mr. Nigma. It's always good to give the people the rewards that their work deserves... even if said people are just a bunch of wastes of egg and sperm that will never amount to anything in their lives... of course, it's not fair to judge something like that simply by what sites they frequent...

Riddler: Hmhmhmhm... "Waste of egg and sperm"... I like that! As a matter of fact, consider that line stolen!

Two-Face: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, get your own entirely accurate descriptions of the general populace! ...But then, what's fair for one to say is fair for all to say...

Riddler: A man should always listen to his better half, Harvey! Now, about that award...

Two-Face: I'm getting to it! Don't rush me! ...The award that I am here to present today is The Von Karma Award, to be granted to the trial containing the best contradiction. Fitting... some have said that I'm a walking contradiction myself. Hmph... what do they know?!

Riddler: To be fair, you have contradicted yourself about half a dozen times in the time that you've been up here, my Bi-Polar friend.

Two-Face: ...I beg your pardon, but are you trying to insult me?

Riddler: A little.


Two-Face pauses a bit... before quickly shooting up to his feet, pulling out one of his guns ("Two guns, b.itch!") and putting it to Riddler's temple.


Two-Face: Weren't expecting that, now were you?!

Riddler: ...Actually, to be honest, I kind of was. This is the third time this show that someone's pulled a gun on me. Really, what are the odds I'll actually get shot this time?


Two-Face holds up his coin.


Two-Face: 50/50.

Riddler: ...I walked right into that one, didn't I?

Two-Face: Heads - I present the award. Tails - you die.


Two-Face flips the coin, catches it, and takes a look at how it falls... before putting the gun down and turning to the camera.


Two-Face: The winner of the Von Karma Award is the famed tanline contradiction in The New Year's Turnabout.


Riddler sighs a sigh of relief and readjusts his hat again, as Two-Face flips his coin once more.


Riddler: Ahem... well then, if you're done making death threats for the day, I think it's time that you- ack!


Riddler is interrupted by the sound of a gunshot, and turns to see Two-Face aiming his smoking gun in a direction that I couldn't possibly explain in words on the internet.


Riddler: ...What did you just shoot?

Two-Face: The New Year's Turnabout.

Riddler: What?! You... shot The New Year's Turnabout? ...Why would you-... HOW could you possibly pull that off?!

Two-Face: The coin told me to shoot it. And I always do what the coin tells me to do! Even if it tells me to do something that is not physically possible!


Two-Face holds his coin up to his face, paying his respects to the mighty ¢100-worth of wisdom that it possesses.


Riddler: Yeah? Well you know what, I think the coin's telling you to go away.


With that, Riddler swipes the coin from Two-Face's hand, and flips it away. With a horrified gasp, Two-Face lunges after it, ending up off-screen.


Riddler: Ahh, to think that even the best of us can absolutely lose their minds... thank the Lord that my mind is far too powerful to ever be broken! Hmhmhmhm...

???: Oh, I beg to differ with you on that...


As seems to be happening a lot today, the Riddler is interrupted, this time by the words of one Mr. Question Mark Question Mark Question Mark - also known in some circles as Hugo Strange - who comes walking into the screen.


Hugo Strange: Every mind has a breaking point, Mr. Nigma... would you like to know yours?

Riddler: ...Hugo, you were supposed to wait until I've said your riddle...

Strange: And yet, I did not. Tell me, Edward - how does that make you feel...?

Riddler: Do you actually care?

Strange: No.

Riddler: Then why bother asking?

Strange: Why, because it is my job, of course.

Riddler: Yeah, well, I didn't bring you here to be my psychiatrist, okay?

Strange: Oh very well, I'll play along with this little game. If it helps you cope, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am here to present the award for Best investigation section in a trial. And the winner is... Mysterious Sirens and Turnabouts, [Day 2] Investigation ~ Night.

Riddler: Oh, good, MSAT won an award. Here I was worried it was going to be neglected...

Strange: Indeed. By the way, Edward, before I leave, there's something that I think you should know.


Riddler can only scoff and roll his eyes at this.


Riddler: Please! What could you possibly know that I - Edward Nigma - do not?

Strange: I know the Batman's identity.

Riddler: ...What.

Strange: It's true. Through simple psychological profiling I was able to pinpoint just who is the man behind the mask. I've heard from certain sources that this was something you had been trying to find out yourself... tell me, how has that been going?


Riddler can't help but be shocked, though this quickly subsides into anger.


Riddler: You... you lie! You don't know who the Batman is! You're bluffing! I know you are! You must be!

Strange: Oh, am I, now? Well, let me put it to you this way. One of the two people in this room do have to resort to bluffing and lying to prove their intelligence. So, Edward, tell... which one is it? Might you able to answer that riddle?

Riddler: ...

Strange: Is something the matter?


Something obviously is the matter, as Riddler is trembling with rage. He slams his fists onto the desk.


Riddler: Tell me! Who is he?! Who is the Batman?!

Strange: Oh come now, Edward. You don't want to learn this way, do you? After all, it'd hardly prove anything to just have his identity told to you. Besides, I'm sure that someone with a mind as strong and unbreakable as yours can figure it on his own. In any event, that concludes our session for today. I'm sure I'll be seeing you again soon, Edward.


Strange turns and leaves, with a faint smug smirk. Riddler just sits there quietly for a bit, before grabbing his hat and pulling in downward in frustration.


Riddler: GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrAAAAAHHH!!!


In a rage, Riddler jumps to his feet and kicks over the desk. He slumps back onto his chair, and starts quietly seething for a few moments. There's a rather uncomfortable pause, here...


Cameraman: Are, uh... are you okay?

Riddler: ...Yeah. Yeah, I'm just peachy.

Cameraman: Do you, um... do you want to stop?

Riddler: ...No. No, you know what, no. 'Cause that'd be exactly what those simpletons at home want me to do. Isn't that right? Yeah, you- you people just love seeing this, don't you? Of course you do! There's nothing you Homo Habilises love more than seeing one of your betters having a weak moment! Well! Don't you little leeches get too excited yet, because the Riddler does not quit that easily!


Riddler gets up, grabs the desk, and pulls it back to it's upright position. He then sits back down and tries to compose of himself, though that seems rather futile at this point...


Cameraman: Man, seriously, I think you should take a break here-

Riddler: Listen you! I am not going to stoop to taking advice from the damned Penny Plunderer, okay?!

Cameraman: Hey! You promised you wouldn't tell anyone who I was!

Riddler: I lied. Now let's move on. Ahem... riddle me this! Once I was a nobody, thought of as a waste of space. Now I am a nightmare, about to end your days. No matter what day of the year, you know I'll be someone to fear. Who am I? This one will probably be quite the surprise to some, but I don't care - the answer is Calender Man!


Slowly, deliberately, out comes Calender Man, dragging his one broken leg in it's brace along the ground as he walks to the desk and takes his seat. He puts his hands together contemplatively, not looking up while he speaks.


Calender Man: Hello, Mr. Nigma. How... nice to see you today...

Riddler: Same here, Julian. Now, through all of the years, you've been known as something of a, well... to put it kindly - a complete and utter joke. But now, that's seemed to have started changing with the release of Arkham City, now hasn't it?

Calender Man: A joke... that reminds me... of what happened earlier this year... I watched her. For so long, throughout all of March, I watched her. A single mother, just trying to raise her daughter. But it was obvious, she wasn't happy with her lifestyle. She was always complaining about how she was too young for it - never having any free time to herself, having to dedicate all of it to her work and her daughter. One thing in particular stuck out... she always said that there were no surprises in her life any more. I decided that I should help her, in my own... special way. I would let her go back to living life the way she wanted again. And finally, the day came. It was April 1st, 3:24 PM when a little gift arrived at her office door. I peered through the window with such excitement, as she curiously opened it to find... a Jack-In-The-Box... one that looked just like the one her daughter loved so much. Quizzical, she decided to turn it... and turn it... and turn it, until finally, out popped... her daughter's head. She was so frightened and upset, that she almost didn't notice the little note I left on her forehead... "Surprise!"...


Silence fills the room. The fact that even the Riddler seems quite stunned by this tale is rather telling. When he finally responds, he merely tries to change the subject.


Riddler: ...................So, the award...

Calender Man: Right... I am here to present the award for... Best most improved author.


At this, Riddler cringes and recoils, as if the sound of what had just been stated actually physically hurt him.


Riddler: ....Best... most... improved?

Calender Man: ...I didn't name the award.

Riddler: No. Of course you didn't. Evidently that job goes to a retarded monkey that was trained to throw darts at a wall.

Calender Man: That does seem likely... in any case, the winner is Tap.

Riddler: Oh good, I was worried he wouldn't feel appreciated due to a lack of recognition. In any case, I hope you're proud of yourself, Tap. Out of all of the authors out there that are the most improved author, you are the best.

Calender Man: Yes... he is... and one who I do believe I will be seeing very soon...

Riddler: You will...?

Calender Man: Yes... that's right...


Finally, Calender Man looks up at the camera. He stands and walks around the desk, dragging his leg as he trudges towards the camera.


Calender Man: If you're watching this... and I do hope that you are... then I'd like to ask that you be ready. Because in just four days time... I'll be paying you a visit. I'll be coming down your chimney, dressed in red and white. And oh, the gifts I will give you... it will be... quite the life-changing experience... 'tis the season, after all... but for your sake... I really hope you have milk and cookies ready for me... Merry Christmas, Tap. Merry Christmas...


With that, Calender Man turns and drags his foot away. I'm probably the dragging foot a bit too much, but well, it's really noticeable, and he doesn't really have any other quirks as far as walking goes, so I mean...


Riddler: Wow. I think I actually preferred him back when he was useless. Moving right along... riddle me this! They call me a villain, yet I aim to be what villains dread. You'll see exactly where your moralities lie, when you see the Demon's Head. Who am I...? Why, none other than Ra's al Ghul!


Slowly but surely up limps Ra's - he doesn't look to be in particularly rare form... he does still pull off the obviously evil look quite well, however. With every other word he speaks, he seems to have to take another breath...


Riddler: Ra's... I'm glad to finally meet you.

Ra's al Ghul: And I you......... DETECTIVE!

Riddler: So, are you ready to present your award for today?

al Ghul: Well actually... not quite. Before we get to that... there is one question... that I wanted to ask you............ DETECTIVE!

Riddler: Oh? And what question is that.

Ra's: DIE.


Silence.


Riddler: ...That's... not a... questio- OH DEAR GOD!


As the Riddler ponders over this not-question, Ra's pulls out his scimitar and tries to bring it down Riddler's skull. Riddler just scrambles out of the way in time to see the chair he was sitting on being sliced in half.


Ra's: Ugh... you're lucky... that I'm not at 100%... if I had had the foresight... to go into the Lazarus Pits... before coming here... you'd be dead right now. Hm... kind of wondering why I didn't do that, actually........ DETECTIVE!

Riddler: R-Ra's, what the hell?! Why did you do that?!

Ra's: Why...? Nigma, did it slip your mind... that my goal... is to rid the Earth... of scum like you?

Riddler: ...Briefly. But still! You told me you'd come here just to help me with this stupid awards show and most certainly not so that you could murder me, with that exact wording!

Ra's: I lied...... DETECTIVE!


At this, Riddler gasps in horror.


Riddler: Ra's! Villains are to never lie to other villains!

Cameraman: Well you lied to me!

Riddler: You don't count, Penny!

Cameraman: Aww...

Riddler: Back to important people - Ra's! How could you do this?! You broke the Evil Bro Code! You never break the Evil Bro Code!

Ra's: What you seem... to be unaware of... is that I do not... consider myself... to be a villain....... DETECTIVE!

Riddler: ...Seriously? I thought you just acted like you thought you were the good guy to be special... well, listen, Ra's. I have a building full of some of the most dangerous criminals to walk the Earth. In the state you're in, you wouldn't have a chance against all of them, and trust me, we would make sure you never get another trip to the pits again... so how about this - present the award like you promised, and I won't call them all into this room.

Ra's: Ugghh... I suppose you do make a good point... fine... I'm here to present the award... for Best trial or investigation author. And the winner is... Blackrune......

Riddler: Good. Now ge-

Ra's: DETECTIVE!

Riddler: ...Now get out of here. And don't let me catch sight of you around here again.

Ra's: Ohhh, do not press your luck... mark my words... as soon as I'm at full strength... I will be back... and I will have your head............. DETECTIVE!


With that, he limps away, until he's off-screen. Riddler looks at his sliced up chair, and decides to just get it out of the way. He takes up the guest's chair and sits in it instead.


Riddler: So how many near-death experiences has that been for me, this show? Five? Six? We're on a roll tonight... ah well. It's time again, for us to present an award that is single bit as special as you viewers' needs! Yes, that's right - it's Special Award #3! And now to introduce the man that's going to help me present it... riddle me this! A crowbar, an explosion, and 72 fan votes lead to my demise. So can you blame me if I have a little red rage in my eyes? Who am I...? I most likely tipped my hat a bit with the fan votes part, but oh well... the answer is Red Hood!


Up walks the Red Hood. He'd probably take a seat, if there were, in fact, a seat for him to take. But as there is not one, we can only speculate...


Riddler: Nice to see you.

Red Hood: Can't say the same for you. Thanks for reminding me that I was only put through all that hell because of the fans, by the way.

Riddler: Well I think it's nice to occasionally remind yourself how terrible people are. "We don't like your personality, so go die in a fire for our amusement!" Huh! And they say we're evil...

Hood: You are evil. I fight for the greater good, to put an end t-

Riddler: You know what, let me stop you right there; I just now dealt with one pseudo-heroic knight templar, I really don't want to deal with another... although it is kind of amusing that this would once again make you the less popular successor...

Hood: Excuse me?!

Riddler: Well I mean that's part of why you were killed off. You were the second Robin, and much less liked... and then you became the second Red Hood, and well, the first was the Joker, I mean, obviously you're not going to be more popular than him, and now here we are again...

Hood: Okay, you know what - I don't have to take this...


Red Hood reaches for one of his smoke pellets, obviously looking to get the ever-loving hell out, to which Riddler must scoff.


Riddler: Oh wow, a smoke pellet! Real original! You'd be the third one today to leave that way, and frankly, I believe the joke would get really tired really quickly if we had another so soon...

Hood: ...Are you serious?

Riddler: Unfortunately so... seriously though, what's wrong with you? Can't you be the first to do anything?

Hood: You're seriously begging me to put a gun in your face here...

Riddler: Ahahahahahahaahahaha- you'd be the fourth.


There's an awkward silence here that lingers for several moments, before Hood eventually depressedly slumps onto the desk, with a frustrated sigh.


Hood: ...Can we just get this over with? I'm here to present The Calisto Yew Award - which is to be awarded to the trial that has the best plot twist. And the winner is... huh. There's two of them.

Riddler: What a twist!

Hood: ...Terrible.

Riddler: Yeah, I'm sorry about that...

Hood: Anyway, the winners are Turnabout of Courage and The Virtual Turnabout.

Riddler: I do hope the two makers of those respective trials are okay with sharing this award...

Hood: Hilarious. I'm getting the hell out of here...


Red Hood proceeds to start getting the hell out of here.


Riddler: Yeah, go be unoriginal somewhere else...


This comment makes Hood stop in his tracks, before swiftly turning back around.


Hood: What if I-

Riddler: Simpsons did it.

Hood: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!


Hood runs off in frustration.


Riddler: ...Was it something I said? Ah well. I'm getting tired of this again, so we're going to cut to another commercial break now. We'll be back shortly. In the meantime, I advise the people at home to promptly hang themselves. Go ahead! Try it out! It's fun!

***

Riddler: ...And welcome back. I do hope that atleast a few of you 25 viewers are now hanging by your necks from the ceiling. I do not like being disappointed. And now for our next presenter... riddle me this! Always landing on my feet, in the criminal world I thrive! But in the comic book world, doesn't everybody have nine lives? Who am I..? No need to strain your little minds on this one - it's of course, Catwoman!


Using her claws, which are totally claws and not just blades attached to her fingertips, Catwoman crawls around on the ceiling, to just above the desk. A little like Spider-Man. Except it's a cat. And a woman. She drops down onto the desk, directly in front of the Riddler.


Riddler: Welcome to the show, Selina. What a needlessly flashy entrance.

Catwoman: Oh come now... there's nothing wrong with flashing- I mean, being flashy, every now and again...


She proceeds to backflip off of the desk, because why wouldn't she?


Riddler: No, I don't suppose there is. But I must say, I'm a tad surprised that you accepted my invitation. I always thought you leaned more on the heroic side of things.

Catwoman: I can go both ways~

Riddler: Oh, I'll bet you can...

Catwoman: Fun aside, I'm here to present the award for Best original character. Quite fitting, as I'm oh-so original myself~

Riddler: Really? The anti-hero love interest/Ms. Fanservice is original?

Catwoman: ...It was when I started doing it.

Riddler: Fair enough...

Catwoman: Anyway, the winner of this award is... oh, would you like at that. A three-way. How exciting~! It's a tie between Mik Hikimori, Arthur Gaines and Gilligan Teesch... Teeschle... Testischlicle... Gill T!


Surprisingly, at this, music plays and... out come the three winners to the desk?! Well, this is new, yet Riddler and Catwoman react as though it was quite expected.


Gilligan: Ah, thank you. You know most of the time, I really don't care much about winning, but I must say, I do appreciate this! Now who shall I thank... well, all of those that voted for me, and um... oh wow, this is so unexpected...


With that, Gilligan pulls out of a rolled up piece of paper, and unfurls it... and it keeps unfurling until it's several yards long on the ground.


Gilligan: Oh yes, of course, my beloved Elle Ockrent. I wouldn't have been very relevant to the plot without you! Ah, and I must give my regards to Satan - whoo hoo, Satan! - and uhh-

Hikimori: I would like to give my thanks to Miko-chan, desu! I'd have never made it this far without your inspiration! Kawaii~!

Gilligan: Oh no sure, just interrupt me, that's not rude or anything...

Gaines: Well I shall of course thank the glorious people of Zheng Fa for once again voting me to represent you - you've proven once more that when it comes to picking role models, you have TREMENDOUS TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTEEEEESS!!!

Riddler: Of course they do... but say, do you really count as an 'original' character?

Gaines: ...I beg your pardon?

Riddler: Well it's just, from what you've heard, you're merely a ripoff of this "Krump" character...

Gaines: ...Well. I must apologize to you. For it seems that I have MISTAKEN YOU FOR A MAN THAT OWNS COMMON SENSE!!! DO YOU KNOOOOOOWWW WHAT IS DONE TO THOSE THAT DISRESPECT THE COMMANDER! IN! CHIEF! OF THE REPUBLIC OF ZHENG FAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?! They are stripped naked and forced to bungee jump into an active volcano! PIPING HOT MAGMAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Catwoman: Mmmm, sounds like a good time~

Gaines: ...It is.

Hikimori: By the way, I must say you two are tremendous cosplayers! Watashi wa kanmei o ukete! If I didn't know any better I'd actually think you were the Riddler and Catwoman, desu~!

Riddler: ...Thanks.

Hikimori: There's one thing wrong, though... Riddler's hat is not supposed to have holes in it...

Riddler: Nevermind about those!

Catwoman: At any rate, congratulations to our winners - Mik Hikimori, Arthur Gaines and Gilligan Teesch... Teeth... Teetime- sweet Christ... have you ever considered getting that name changed?

Gilligan: Hm...? What, you don't like 'Gilligan'?







Catwoman: ...Wow, that stare. Anyway, here's your award. I do hope the three of you can share~


Catwoman pulls an actual trophy. What the hell, when did we start getting these?! Why does no one tell the lemony narrator these things?! She places it on the desk, and Gilligan reaches for it - only to be swiped away by Gaines at the last minute.


Gaines: I dedicate this award to the people of Alcoholics Anonymous... TAKE THIS, ALL OF YOOOOOU! I TOLD YOU THAT I COULD GET TO THIS POINT WITHOUT YOU INTERFERING IN MY LIFE AND SO I HAVE! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU CAN OFFICIALLY SUCK IIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!


Gilligan swipes the award out of Gaines' hands.


Gilligan: Such words are hardly befitting a man of your caliber. Obviously this award is corrupting you - so I will do you the favor of keeping it from you.

Gaines: HOWWW DARE-

Gilligan: You're welcome!







Gilligan tries to run away with the award, but Hikimori grabs it and the two pull it back and forth with neither letting go.


Hikimori: Baka!! What do you think you're doing?! Gilligan Teeschlegelsteinhausenherdorf is not supposed to be bothered by whether or not people deem him a winner! Stop being OOC, desu!

Gilligan: Ohhh let go, you freaking weeaboo!

Gaines: ENOUGH! COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF TACKLEEE!!


Gaines lunges at his two co-winners, tackling the both of them to the ground. The three roll around on the floor fighting over the award, eventually rolling their way to the off-screen.


Catwoman: ...Well that was fun, now wasn't it? But why is it that we had someone accept this award, but not any of the others?

Riddler: Because that was the only trophy they had enough money to prepare.

Catwoman: ...Now that's just sad. Ah well, I suppose it's time this kitty made her exit... oh, but before I go, there was one more thing...

Riddler: Oh? What is it?


Catwoman pulls out a wallet and hands it to Riddler.


Catwoman: Here's this back.

Riddler: Oh, why thank you, that's very kind of yo- HEY WAIT A MINUTE!

Catwoman: Yoink!


And with that, Catwoman jumps back up to the ceiling and crawls away, as Riddler looks into his wallet to see all of his money gone.


Riddler: Hmph! I must say, I think I love to see her leave and watch her go... but now - riddle me this! I'm known in some circles as being faceless, yet I stand out in any crowd. Shhhhhhhhhh! Don't say a word - go to sleep now... who am I? To any viewers at home that take pride in finding the answer to this one, please, do the world a favor, and for the rest of your life... Hush!


Up walks Hush - his face covered in bandages, making him look a little bit like the invisible man. SPOILER ALERT: That isn't who he is. He might've sat down, had there been a chair for him, but as there was no- wait, I already used that joke, didn't I...


Riddler: Welcome to the E. Nigma Show, Hush! I must say, I love that your name is just a nicer way of saying-

Hush: B.itch, shut up!

Riddler: ...Excuse me?!

Hush: I didn't come here to listen to you. *Inhale* I came here to make an announcement. *Inhale* The seventy-fifth stage of my six-hundred-and-forty-three part plan has been completed! *Inhale*

Riddler: ...Seem to be having some trouble breathing there.

Hush: Temporary setback. *Inhale* Performing surgery on your own vocal chords- *Inhale* -can have that kind of side effect.

Riddler: Right... so this plan of yours, does it have to do with the, uh...

Hush: The bandages? *Inhale* Yes. You see, under them lie my magnificent disguise. *Inhale* One that will fool the entire world - *Inhale* - and ruin the reputation of my most hated - *Inhale* - enemy.

Riddler: Except you're ruining it by talking about it on global TV.

Hush: ...All part of my plan. *Inhale* Trust me, I know what I'm - *Inhale* - doing. I've been plotting this for decades. *Inhale* And now, it is nearing completetion... *Inhale* I understand now what Leonardo felt when he finished the Mona Lisa... *Inhale* how-

Riddler: Leonardo never finished the Mona Lisa.

Hush: B.itch, shut up!

Riddler: Just what did this enemy of yours do to make you so vengeful, anyway?

Hush: His parents died faster than mine. *Inhale*

Riddler: ...What a jerk of him.

Hush: In any event... *Inhale* because I'm such a master of plotting... *Inhale* I'm here to present the award for Best plot in a *Inhale* trial or investigation.

Riddler: Not exactly the same kind of plot, but whatever...

Hush: And the winner is... *Inhale* Mysterious Sirens and Turnabouts.

Riddler: Shocking.

Hush: Indeed. But in any event- *Inhale* - I must be going now. *Inhale* The next sixty-three stages of my plan - *Inhale* - involve raising the Titanic - *Inhale* - and sailing it into the Bermuda Triangle. *Inhale* And this must be done by January 17th - *Inhale* - or everything will be ruined. *Inhale* So if you'll excuse me-

Riddler: Wait wait wait... before you go... take off those bandages.

Hush: Pardon?

Riddler: Well, now you've got me curious. You've talked up your plan and your disguise so much, that now I want to see it.

Hush: Well, I can't actually-

Riddler: Come now, don't be shy. Just take off the bandages.

Hush: I would, but it's just that I'm not exactly-

Riddler: You don't want to look like a punk on the internet, do you?

Hush: ...Fine.


With that, Hush begins unwrapping himself, as if his head was a Christmas present. Protip: Heads do not make good Christmas presents. I learned that one the hard way...


Riddler: See? Not so hard to do, now is i- OH DEAR LORD SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME!!!


Upon seeing Hush unbandaged, Riddler promptly falls over in his chair in fear, backing up a bit on the floor.


Hush: I tried to warn you... my disguise is only *Inhale* 1/6th finished.


For those unaware, Hush's method of disguising himself was cutting off his own face, killing several other people, cutting off pieces of their faces, and grafting them onto himself. In other words, since it's only 1/6th finished, that means that the other 5/6th of his face is not there. As you could probably imagine, it's not exactly pretty...


Riddler: Jesus... thank God this is cable, but still! Please, put those bandages back on!

Hush: Actually... I feel a lot better now that they're off. I almost forgot how much more free one feels without them...


In a display of this, Hush begins rubbing on where his cheeks would be, if he did, in fact, have cheeks.


Hush: Yes, this is much bet- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! OH **** **** **** THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHER****ER WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE SKIN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! ...*Inhale*


Hush runs off in pain with his bandages, likely trying to figure out how to put them back on without agonizing himself.


Riddler: ...I... think I should have asked him for some bleach... for my brain and eyes... let's move on quickly so I can get that out of my perfect mind. Up to present our next award... Damian Wayne!


Up walks Damian Wayne, who I should probably note that I'm not really familiar with, so the writing may not be entirely accurate. Then again, I don't know much more about Red Hood, and that didn't really hinder me so much with him. Plus, I doubt many of you would know better yourselves, so honestly, I'm not even sure why I'm bothered by this, but I was able to kill a few seconds by writing this, so atleast there's that.


Riddler: Welcome to the show, Damia-

Damian Wayne: Why didn't I get a riddle?

Riddler: Oh, sorry about that. I was too horrified from the sight of Hush's face - or lack thereof, I should say - to think of one. But let's not focus on that, you're here to-

Damian: I want my riddle.

Riddler: Listen, kid, to be honest, I really only know so much about you in the first place, it probably wouldn't be a very good one anyw-

Damian: Everyone else got a riddle, I want my riddle.

Riddler: Joker didn't.

Damian: I want my riddle!

Riddler: Okay, you know what, fine - riddle me this! I'm a tool! I'm a tool! I'm a massive, whiny little tool! Who am I...?

Damian: ...See? Wasn't that hard, was it?

Riddler: No, no it was not... any other wildly important questions?

Damian: Yes... why am I here? I'm not a villain.

Riddler: Oh, tremendous! The Great Character Alignment Debate again! How nice... look, you're far more willing to kill than any of the other "good guys" on your side, and you are Ra's al Ghul's grandson. Plus, at one point we were shown a glimpse into your future, in which you have sold your soul to the devil... in issue #666!

Damian: Okay, now, that last part is just superstitious of you-

Riddler: And your name is Damian! Damian!

Damian: SUPERSTITION. Man, for God's sakes, I'm a Robin!

Riddler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't be the first evil Robin...

???: AHA!


This sudden off-screen laughter causes Riddler and Damian to jump. In runs Red Hood back into the screen. He slams one hand on the desk and puts a finger in the face of Damian.


Hood: You're not the first! I am! Me! I'm the original! You're the rip-off! Ahahaahahaahahaaha, yes! Oh wow! This is almost as good as that one time, years ago, where I was the first commenter on a YouTube video! "First" I proudly proclaimed! And since, millions upon millions have followed in my footsteps! Ahahaha, this is a close second, though! Just like you! Ahahaahahahaaaa!


Hood proceeds to give a, erm... 'obscene hand gesture', let's just say, to Riddler, than Damian, than the Cameraman, and then finally to all of the world, it would seem.


Hood: You can suck it! And you can suck it! And you can suck it! YOU CAN ALLLL SUCK IT!!


Hood stomps away from the scene, victoriously, leaving Riddler and Damian in an awkward silence.


Riddler: ...So the award.

Damian: Right... the award I'm here to present is Best new author. And the winner is... Gumpei. Hey! That was who I voted for!

Riddler: You voted? ...You're on that miserable site?! Wow! My God, how pitiful can you be?! I mean, to be completely truthful, I always thought you kind of sucked, but my word, you're an AAO member?! How low can you possibly-

Damian: I know Batman's identity and you don't.

Riddler: RAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!


Riddler is quickly caused to facedesk by this interruption.


Riddler: Why does everyone know but me?!

Damian: And while we're doing running gags... SMOKE PELLET!


If for no other reason than to continue agitating The Riddler, Damian needlessly throws down a smoke pellet and disappears from sight, leaving Riddler with yet another coughing fit. I fear for his lungs.


Riddler: ...Ugh... what an annoying little antichrist... but... why didn't he try to stop me? Like he said, he's Robin right now, and here I am, hijacking an awards ceremony, with the original hosts being held hostage in the other room, and he didn't seem to be bothered by tha- you know what, it might be best to just not think about it much. No time to be worried by inexplicable writing - right now we must present an award that's coming to us via the short bus! That's right, another very special award! And to help me... riddle me this! Whereas you're an omnivore, I'm more of a... humanitarian. I'm not what you'd call classy, in fact I'm pretty much a barbarian. I've got your scent! I live in the sewers! And I am every single bit as green as these words! Who am I...? ...I'm fairly certain I was intentionally trying to make that one easy. Of course, I'm sure it still stumped you people. You simple, simple people. Ah well, the answer is Killer Croc!


Riddler looks shockingly composed as the ground starts shaking and we hear what sounds a lot like a giant crocodile stomping his way towards the desk. And would you look at that, there's a giant crocodile stomping his way towards the desk. Wow, I have good ears! Riddler casually tips his hole-filled hat to his reptilian guest.


Riddler: Hello there, Croc.

Killer Croc: Hello there, dinner.

Riddler: Ahahahaah- I don't think we know each other well enough to be having cute pet names for each other...

Croc: Laugh while you still can, Riddler. It'll only be a matter of time before you never laugh again... tick tock... tick tock...

Riddler: How bizarre! I must be hearing things! It almost sounds like you're threatening me!

Croc: You have a lot of nerve to mock me... just know that I have your scent. It won't be long until I've mauled you! Your flesh will be ripped apart like paper! I will devour your bones! ...Right after I present the award.

Riddler: Speaking of which, can we get on with that?

Croc: Looking to rush towards your demise, are you...? Now it makes sense. No wonder you're antagonizing me. Clearly, you have a death wish.

Riddler: Sure, why not?

Croc: Very well then. I am here to present the The Quercus Alba Award. It is to be presented to the trial that contains the best confrontation. And the winner is... Turnabout Detective Girl.

Riddler: The word "duh" comes to mind...

Croc: What was that?

Riddler: Oh, you didn't know? You just presented the only award in which the winner has already been announced!

Croc: ...What are you talking about? Why would it have already been announced?

Riddler: Why wouldn't it have been? It was, after all, the only trial to be nominated for this award! Haha, yes, congratulations to you once again, Blackrune! You've won this award in the most noble way possible! ...By default.

Croc: ...Are you telling me that there was no reason at all to be presenting this award?

Riddler: That is correct. I knew there was an award in which there was no point at all in having a presentation. So I decided to drag you down here and have you do it, because frankly, I thought it'd amused me.

Croc: You little snake...

Riddler: Hey, hey, now, in my defense... it did amuse me! Quite a bit, in fact! Ahaahahaahahahah...


As Riddler chuckles to himself, Croc grabs him by the collar, and effortlessly lifts him up into the air with one hand, holding him up juuust below the ceiling.


Croc: I've had it with you! I hope you taste better than you sound! Tick tock! Tick tock! Time to feed the Croc!


Croc opens up his massive jaws, and my, what big teeth he has - the better to eat Riddler with, my dear. However, Riddler still has his smug smile on his smug face, as he lifts up his smug cane. He casually taps it against the shock collar that I conveniently forgot to mention was around Croc's neck. This causes a shockwave of electricity to shoot through Croc's body. Croc drops Riddler, who lands on his feet, as the giant reptile stumbles backwards in pain with a cry.


Croc: Grrrrraaaaaaaaaaagh! You! You're lucky! You get to walk away with your life this time! But I will get this collar off of me! And when I do, your time will be up! SCENT! FLESH! BONES! ...In that order...


He stomps away, giving up rather easily, I must say. Riddler condescendingly tips his hat to Croc once again as he leaves. Riddler then turns bak to the screen.


Riddler: Ahhh... well, I've had a rough time with some of our presenters, but after that, I am feeling quite a bit better... by the way, I know it didn't really seem like it, but that last set of nominations have actually taken up quite a bit more time than the others, so, it's time for another commercial. I will be sitting here, enjoying being away from you. And you will be doing... whatever it is that a lab rat does when it isn't being observed by a scientist. Be back soon!

***

When we come back, we see a rather unexpected sight - the Riddler watering a flower on the desk.


Riddler: ♪Dadada, appeasing the goddess... babababa, appeasing the goddess...♪


Riddler looks up from this, evidently notices that the camera's back on, and smiles.


Riddler: Oh, hey. Didn't see you there. Because, you know... the internet doesn't work that way. Yet. Ahaahhaahhaha- ...uh...


Riddler looks down and notices the flower that he's still watering.


Riddler: ...What... what am I doing this for?!


Riddler tosses away the water pale, and pushes the flower off of the desk, letting the pot fall and break on the floor.


Riddler: ...Why do I feel like I'm going to seriously regret doing that later? Ah well. This is not the time to be worrying about that - what it is time for, is our next special award! ...Wait, seriously? We just now had a special award. How "special" were the people that decided on this order?! ...Well, whoever they were, I'm sure they aren't half as "special" as the person presenting this next award... riddle me this! I'm looking for a daydreamer who always seems to be away. And all of my clocks are only right twice a day. Everyone looks at me as though I am deluded. But don't feel bad for me - it beats being executed. Who am I...? You probably have to be a fan of Lewis Carrol to get this one, but nonetheless, shame on you if you couldn't guess that the answer is the Mad Hatter!


And so, predictably, up comes... nobody. Wait, nobody? What's nobody doing here?! He wasn't invited!


Riddler: ...Ahem... I said... the Mad Hatter! Actually, wait that's not right. What I said was: the Mad Hatter!


Silence.


Riddler: ...Jervis? Are you out there? It's your turn...

???: Is she there...?

Riddler: Wha-... no, no, she's not out here yet. I was wanting to save that until after you presented the award...

???: You... no, you said, you said she'd be there when I came out! She's not there...? She's late? She's late! She's late!!!

Riddler: She'll be even more late if you don't come out here and present the award...

???: Ooooooooh, fine... just, please, don't be lying! I need herrr! Aliiiice!


In walks the Mad Hatter, fidgeting and twitching.


The Mad Hatter: ...She's not here...

Riddler: Were you not paying attention to me? I just told you, she'll be here after you present the award.

Hatter: Ohhh, you're lying! I know that you're lying! You're just trying to trick me... it's not nice to deceive!

Riddler: Now, Hatter, you know I'd never break the Evil Bro Code.

Hatter: ...Well, yes, that much is true... but then, where is Alice? ♫AAAAAAlice... come out... don't pout... don't make me shout... Alice... come out...♫ where are you?

Riddler: ...Okay this isn't working - how about we try and get your mind off of her for a moment, hm? Tell me about these little hypno-drugs of yours that I've heard so much about.

Hatter: What, those? Ohhhhh, they're nothing special, really, ahaha... just a few chemicals, and some remote hypnotic suggestions, and little mind control hats, and other such things that an obviously mentally ill, deluded person has no Earthly business being able to create, and- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, WHERE IS SHEEEEEEEE?!?!?


The Riddler does not look quite impressed with Hatter responding to his changing of the subject by changing the subject.


Riddler: ...You have quite the one-track mind, don't you, Jervis?

Hatter: A one-track mind? What is that...? Will it help lead me to Alice?


^CHARACTER DEFINING QUOTE^
...I, I don't know what came over me just now. I felt strangely compelled to point that out. How strange...


Riddler: Will you please just present your award? And then you can meet Alice.

Hatter: Okay, okay! I am here today to meet Alice, and also to present the Dahlia Hawthorne award, but mostly to meet Alice... it's the award to be given to the trial with the best breakdown... I don't... I-I don't know why they would have an award about breakdowns presented by me... I don't quite... see... how that... relate-


Hatter abruptly stops and grabs Riddler by the collar, shaking him.


Hatter: OHHHHHHHHHHHH WHERE IS SHE?! I NEED TO SEE HER NOW! I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER OR I'LL BE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEE!!!


Hatter then starts wildly sobbing on Riddler's shoulder, only to be quickly shoved away.


Riddler: Name the winner now, or you'll never see her.

Hatter: Mysterious Sirens and Turnabouts! A-And Turnabout Detective Girl! They both wo-o-o-on...!


As Hatter keeps desperately sobbing, Riddler watches on wearing a full-on seriousface for a few moments, before snapping his fingers. As he does so, in come a few of Riddler's henchmen, wheeling in... a totally random blonde woman wearing a blue dress, who has been tied to a post, as well as having been blindfolded and gagged. As she struggles and emits muffled yells, Hatter slowly looks up, and dons a rather creepily contrasted expression of serenity. One of Riddler's mooks takes off the blindfold, allowing "Alice" to look around the room in fright, as Hatter slowly walks towards her.


Hatter: You... you're here... you're here... you're... you're... you're late... you're late. You're late. You're late. You're late. You're late! You're late!! You're late!!! You're late!!! YOU'RE LATE, LATE, LATE, LATE, LATE, LATE, LATE, LATEE!!!! But that's okay! That's okay, that's alright, because... you're here... you're here now... you're finally here... Alice...


Safe to say, the poor girl's rather frightened.


Riddler: Do you want her ungagged, or...?

Hatter: Please do... I need to speak with her...


On cue, a mook removes said gag.


"Alice": Ahh! What's going on? Where am I?!

Riddler: You have been lured into a genius trap by the genius Riddler! A plan that only a brilliant mind such as mind could have ever spawned!

"Alice": Oh, I swear this is the last time I'm ever using Craigslist...

Riddler: Quiet, Alice. Someone would like to speak with you...

Hatter: Ohhh Alice... how are you this evening? Do you like tea...?

"Alice": ...Which answer will get me out of here?

Hatter: Ohohohohohoh, silly Alice! ...Neither, of course.

"Alice": Okay, seriously, what am I here for? I have no idea what's going on...

Riddler: I suppose I should explain... you're Alice. This is the Mad Hatter. He wishes to take you to Wonderland... that help you?


I have no idea if that's a euphemism or if it's literal...


"Alice": Oy... you know what's just painfully ironic about this?

Riddler: What's that?

"Alice": My name IS Alice...

Riddler: Wow, really?

Alice: Yeah... Allison Wunderlund.

Riddler: ...Is... that a joke?

Allison Wunderlund: I really wish it was...

Hatter: Ohohohoh, she is Alice! Oh, this is going to be so much fun! We're going to be together forever! Tea time for all eternitea! Ooohhoohoooo...!

Wunderlund: ...Wow, this could not be any weirder...

Hatter: Yes, you'll be ready... riiight after I put this on you...


Hatter pulls out one of his "special" hats - one that's made to look like the Chesire Cat.


Wunderlund: Oh wow, look at that, it got weirder.


Hatter walks up close to Alice and starts stroking the side of her face...


Hatter: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh... sleeeeeeeeeeep... imagine you are faaaalling...

Wunderlund: Oh dear God no...


Hatter pulls the Cheshire Cat hat (hee hee cat hat) over her head.


Wunderlund: NononononononononoNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see what you're saying...

Hatter: Yeah?

Wunderlund: Yeah! Suddenly it all makes perfect sense!

Hatter: Weird how that works, isn't it?


With this, Hatter unties her from the post. He innocently tips his hat to her, before checking his ever-so-not-trusty stopwatch. It read 6 'o clock, just like always. Yet somehow he manages to register genuine shock from seeing this.


Hatter: Good heavens! It's tea time! Ooh, come now, Alice, we must hurry! We mustn't be late!


Hatter takes Alice by the hand and the two go off on their merry little way, presumably to Wonderland, as Riddler watches on with a smile.


Riddler: Hahahah... cute, aren't they? Such a shame that she'll be dead within the hour... oh well, can't mourn forever! I'm sure she wouldn't want it that way! After all, now the time has come to laugh! Now the time has come to be as joyous and merry as the season calls for us to be! Now, it is once again time for-


Riddler is cut off when, from the ceiling drops a man with a long black cape, onto the desk. Riddler falls over in his chair in fear at this.


???: YOU'VE BEEN WRECKING HAVOC TONIGHT FOR LONG ENOUGH, RIDDLER.

Riddler: Wait, no! Stop! I'm not done yet, I-... wait a minute...

???: THERE IS NO WAITING. IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE. YOU'VE HAD FAR TOO MUCH FUN TODAY. I HATE FUN. I HATE JOY. I MUST KILL IT. BUT NOT YOU. BECAUSE...


The figure jumps from the desk to behind where the chair landed, as a cheap way to justify having his face on camera. Said face is a tad strange though - it's mostly covered in a black bat cowl, but his lips are red and the area around his mouth is chalk white.


???: ...I'M BATMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Riddler: ...Hahahaha, very funny, Joker.

"BATMAAAAAAN": I'M NOT JOKER. BUT I AM LOOKING FOR HIM. WHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE IS HEEEEE?! UNTIL I FIND HIM I WILL CONTINUE WHISPERING AND SHOUTING AT THE SAME TIME. I'M BATMAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Riddler: Okay seriously, drop the act...

"BATMAAAAAAN": WAIT, I'M ALMOST DONE. I'M A JERK. I'M A TOOL. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS. I'M INCAPABLE OF LOVE. I DON'T RESPECT WOMEN. I HAVE ANGER ISSUES. I'M BATMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! ...AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR ME TO REVEAL MY TRUE IDENTITY FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL.


"BATMAAAAAAN" grabs his cowl, and pulls it over himself, somehow taking off his entire batsuit, revealing himself...


Joker: Oh look at that! The Batman is actually The Joker! Plot twist~! AHHHHHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAA- oh hai, Eddie. Didja miss me?! Oh, what am I saying? Of course you did! Let's face it, this show just hasn't been the same without me! I bet the ratings have plummeted! Who would watch any show, unless my handsome face was there smiling back at them~?

Riddler: I believe I'd rather leave that question unanswered.

Joker: Oh, sure, sure, wouldn't want the other presenters to know- er, think, that I'm your favorite...

Riddler: Mmhm. So you're back again to present another award. Of course, it's less because I like you, and more because it's another comedy...

Joker: The first comedy award, you mean...

Riddler: ...Are you still going on about that? You really do whine too much, Joker.

Joker: Watch what you say, Eddie. It might be a real gun next time... you never know. I certainly don't! I keep the real ones and the fake ones in the exact same box, and take one out at random each morning! Heeheehee, adds excitement to the day! But aaaaanywho... I'm back to present the award for Best comedy or miscellaneous author - and for your sake, Eddie, I do hope that the winner of this award is nowhere near as miscellaneous as you are...

Riddler: Yes, yes, very funny. Ready to announce them?

Joker: Not yet.

Riddler: ...

Joker: ...

Riddler: ...

Joker: ...Okay, now I'm ready~! And the winner is... what, no drumroll? Ah, screw it - it's Zeel1™!

Riddler: ...Hm. How strange...

Joker: Flattery will get you nowhere~

Riddler: I didn't mean you, I mean the winner. He won this award last year too, but it was a three-way tie. And he hasn't another comedy trial since then, so how did he get the edge this year...?

Joker: Hmmm, say, you're right... that doesn't really make a lot of sense. Maybe... maybe he made some sort of secret comedy trial this year... a mysterious, mystical one that could not be publically released, despite the fact that playing it has been known to cure cancer... a trial that we're allowed to actually name, because the higher ups are worried that the younger members will have to be turned down when they ask to play it, and evidently, everyone under 16 has an illogical and extremely severe fear of rejection...



Scarecrow (Off-screen): My bad.



Riddler: ...Nah, come on, that's crazy, even by your standards.

Joker: Yeah, you're right, I'm sure it can't be that. I dunno, maybe he just earned this award out of sheer handsomeness, who knows...

Riddler: That does sound like the most likely answer.


With that, the Joker leans back in his invisible chair and props his feet up on the desk again. Don't question this. Remember, he does magic tricks!


Joker: Aaaaanyway, I think I'm just going to stick around for no discernible reason, as far as you people know...

Riddler: Yeah, you go ahead and do that. I'll just be counting down for no reason. *Ahem* Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... thre-


???: MISTAH JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!


Harley Quinn runs into the scene and clings to her little puddin', hugging tight. He's still floating, by the way.


Riddler: Damn, off by three seconds.

Joker: What...? Oh heyyy, Harley! Wow, how very unexpected!

Harley Quinn: Hiya, sweetie! Hope you weren't too lonely without me~!

Joker: Ohh, but I was! I was just now going on to 'ol Eddie about what a sad clown I was without my little harlequin to keep me company...

Harley: D'awwww! Well it's okay, puddin', I'm here now! Let's go to the amusement park after this... and then burn it down after we get bored!

Joker: Haha, you always know how to cheer me up! Ohhh, we're so very perfect for each other, you and me... we go together like a match and a barrel-full of kerosene~!

Harley: I guess our lovelife's just on fire like that, honey~


The two share a giggly hug, as Riddler rolls his eyes, which incidentally are still glowing green with envy... or Ivy. Eh. Not really so different if you say it outloud.


Harley: Aaaanyway, since we're just the best, tightest-knit duo that any of the jelly viewers at home have ever seen, we're here to present the award for Best team!

Joker: Blasphemously enough, we were not nominated. Which is ridiculous, I mean the two of us are close enough to each other to be able to finish each others'-

Harley: -autobiographies!

Joker: ...I was going to say 'sentences', Harley.

Harley: Uh, oh... well, um... there's a lot of sentences in an autobiography!

Joker: Ahahahahoo, well you got me there, you little minx!

Harley: Hmhmhm! Well, anyway, the winner should be us, but instead it goes to French Petroleum Productions... hmph! "French Petroleum Productions"... well, boo on them! That's not even a fun name to say!

Joker: I knowwww! It's not funny at all! ...Ohh, but you know what is funny? The fact that you and I weren't actually the first choices to present this award!

Harley/Riddler: What?

Joker: That's right! Initially, it was going to be Mr. Freeze and that wife of his whose name I can noraever remember... but something came up. It seemed she had caught a slight case of the uncommon cold! Eeeeehehehehahhahaahahaahaaaahahaahaha!

Harley: Um... eheh, yeah, that's... that's funny, Mistah J...

Joker: Oohoho, it's just, it's so hilarious how she's all frozen and comatose and half-dead, and if you so much as leave a hairdryer around her for too long she dies - the whole thing's just comical! Ahahahaaaa!

Harley: Hah, uh, okay, Mistah J, I think that's enough...

Joker: Ahh, I do feel kind of bad for the 'ol Snowman, though. How ironic - seems the man made of ice is going to be having a ♫Bluuuuuuuuuuuuue Christmaaaaaas♫ this year! Yeeeeheehehehahaaaa...

Harley: Honey, seriously...

Joker: Blue balls, that is! DYAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAA!

Harley: Sweetie, stop!

Joker: Oh wait! That's not true! Why would I think that? I mean after all, it's not like she can deny his advances anymore! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAA-

Harley: Puddin', please stooop!


Harley grabs Joker by the shoulders and shakes him a bit, looking quite concerned. Joker, not so much...


Joker: ...What?

Harley: Mistah J, you really need to stop talking about Freeze, and especially about his wife! If he hears about this, he might try to hurt you! H-He might even kill you...!

Joker: ...So? Honey, I'm the Joker. Who cares if I die? I'll be back in like a week!

Harley: Well... yeah, I guess that is true... but... I'd miss you...


Harley shoots him the puppy dog eyes, and Joker actually seems to have his heart - assuming he has one that is not in need of growing three sizes that day - warmed by this. He puts an arm around Harley affectionately.


Joker: Oh, Harley... sweet, lovable, adorable Harley...


Suddenly the warm smile goes away, replaced with cold seriousness.


Joker: I don't care.


Joker shoves her away callously. This obviously hurts her feelings, though she tries to hide it with a laugh.


Harley: Uh... aha... ahaha, oh Mistah J... you're such a kidder!

Joker: Well, that's me... always making with the yuckety-yuks... anyway, I think it's time to be hitting the 'ol dusty trail again...


Joker stands up from the chair that isn't there, and starts to walk off-screen. He snaps his fingers as he walks.


Joker: Come, Henchwench.


With this, Harley follows The Joker like a puppy, presumably to Wonderland, as Riddler watches them with a smile.


Riddler: Hahahah... cute, aren't they? Such a shame that she'll be dead within the hour... oh well, can't mourn forever! I'm sure she wouldn't want it that way! It's now time for a very special award on this very special day, to be presented by a man who is not special. Not special at all. So very not special in fact that I will not be giving him a riddle. Please, do not give a warm welcome - to Quincy Sharp.


Up walks Quincy Sharp to the desk, using his cane as a cane, which seems kind of silly if you ask me. He should be using a gun-umbrella or something, like a real villain.


Riddler: Bad to see you, Quincy.

Quincy Sharp: Where is my seat, Edward?

Riddler: I'm sitting in it. And no, I'm not getting up. We only had two chairs and the other was evidently deemed to be evil by the head of the demon, and so was thusly executed. But you're welcome to sit on the floor, if you like.


I would like to note that he conveniently forgot to mention Joker's invisible chair.


Sharp: Enough of your nonsense. Just what is it that you think you are doing here? You should all be back at Arkham, being electrocuted and lobotomized and perhaps lit on fire when I've had a particularly bad day...

Riddler: We probably should, yes, but we're not going to get into that. Anyway, present the award, please.

Sharp: Any particular reason I should play along with this charade of yours? I'm not really one for humoring you people's insane little eccentricities...

Riddler: Well I would tell you, but I think you'd find the answer to be... STRANGE...

Sharp: You-... what?!

Riddler: Oh yes. I know all about you two's scheme. "Gather up everyone who's ever committed a crime into a gated part of the city and then have them all slaughtered"... ahaha, it's cute, really.

Cameraman: W-wait, he's doing what?!

Riddler: Don't worry, Penny, you don't count.

Cameraman: Oh. Uh... good, I guess...

Sharp: How... could you have possibly-

Riddler: Genius... remember? Anyway, if you don't want this to become public knowledge, I suggest you present the award.

Sharp: Ah... right, of course... I'm here to present the The Staff Showdown award. It is to be given to the member determined to have been the best member of the AAO staff this here. And the winner is...


NOT Meph.

Not even close.

...Sorry for interrupting, I just wanted to point that out............ DETECTIVE!


Sharp: ...Tap.

Riddler: Huh, about damned time he won something...

Sharp: You know, I'm not really fond of all of these sarcastic remarks you're making. Quite frankly, I think this whole event seems silly.

Riddler: Excuse me?

Sharp: You heard me. This entire show has just been one silly occurrence after another.

Riddler: Well, what do you expect? We've had Joker on here four times!

Sharp: Right! Stop that, it's silly! And a tad suspect, I think... why is no one else getting that much screentime?

Riddler: But they are... or rather - I am! And listen, I'm one of the few people that don't question the way you do your business, so don't you question mine.

Sharp: "Business"? You? And tell me, exactly what "business" are you in?

Riddler: The business of giving you the business.

Cameraman: Oooooooooooooooooooh...

Sharp: Shut up, Penny!

Cameraman: Aww...

Sharp: Well this has been every bit as unpleasant as I suspected, so I will be making my leave now.

Riddler: Please do.


He does.


Riddler: Wow, would you look at that, he minded me... well then, now that he's finally graced us with his lack of presence, we have now officially entered the home stretch! We have but three awards left to be presented, and they're the biggest that we have! Now, for the tremendous man that will be presenting the next award... riddle me this! I am an agent of secrets. Enigmas are what I'll always emit. Try to solve my puzzles - I'm sure you'll need assistance. How sad that you're all ignorant of your ignorance... who am I...? Ohhh... oh my... I think I know the answer... I think it's... it's... it's the most ingenious man to have ever lived! It's the most brilliant mind to have ever been developed in a womb! The greatest person to ever be a person! It's! It's...! IT'S ME!!!


I'd say that the Riddler came walking up to the desk, but that'd just be silly. And I have been told to not be silly again. Speaking of which, Riddler walks around to the front of the desk, and takes a bow to the camera, as if he is indeed actually coming on down. He then walks back to behind the desk and seemingly shakes hands with his imaginary friend. Oooh, is it Baldo?! I love Baldo! He's been with me through so many lonely times~


Riddler: Thanks for showing up to the E. Nigma Show, Riddler!

Riddler: Oh no, thank you for having me, Riddler!

Riddler: Well how couldn't I have you? You are, after all, the greatest villain of all time! And so eloquent, too!

Riddler: Aww, what a very honest thing to say! It really means a lot coming from someone ruggedly handsome!

Riddler: Oh, go on with that...


...Aaaand it would appear that this night has finally broken him.


Riddler: Well, my sheer handsomeness aside, is it true that you are here to present an award?

Riddler: Yes, that's right. I'm here to present the award for World's Greatest Awards Ceremony Host. And the winner goes to - you, The Riddler!

Riddler: Gasp! Really?! Me?! Oh! Oh, this is so very unexpected!

Riddler: ...Why?! Why would you not have expected such a thing?!

Riddler: ...You know, to tell you the truth, I have no idea. I guess I just lack confidence...

Riddler: Well clearly you're just far too humble.

Riddler: Ahaha... but seriously, the actual award...

Riddler: Oh, if you insist... I'm actually here to present the award for Best trial or investigation of 2011.

Riddler: How very apropos! The best presenting the best!

Riddler: Oh, stop!

Riddler: I... I honestly can't. To tell you the truth, I really don't believe that I could stop if I wanted to.

Riddler: Really...? That actually sounds like a serious problem...

Riddler: Well it probably would be - if I ever actually wanted to stop.

Riddler: Well, thank the Lord that you don't!


They both share a laugh. Er... I mean, he laughs. Damn, this bit seems to be getting to me...


Riddler: Ahhh... but yes, the winner is Mysterious Sirens and Turnabouts.

Riddler/Riddler: How very exciting and not at all monotonous.


Yes, he actually did have them both talk simultaneously. I'm not sure how. I think I may be losing it myself... quick! How many fingers am I holding up?! ...What was that number you just said? ...NO! THAT'S NOT RIGHT AT ALL! I DON'T EVEN HAVE THAT MANY FINGERS!!!


Riddler: Ahhhhh... okay, no, everyone relax, I have not, in fact, gone insane.


Oh God, has he been listening to me...?


Riddler: No, I've only been trying to amuse myself... even owners of geniusnessnessnessnessnessness such as mine need to have fun every now and again. Of course, it's still quite fitting for me to be presenting that award, and as it's one of the two that absolutely everyone wants, just as absolutely everyone wants to be me! But this next award is even bigger, and yes, it is indeed I - The Riddler! ...That is presenting it. Truly, who would be better? Who else in this, or any other world, could present an award like Best trial or investigation of all time! And the winne-...


The Riddler pauses at this.


Riddler: ...Hold on. We had this award last year. We've already named the best trial of all time. Why name it again? I know we had this kind of conundrum earlier, but then the solution was that one was the best misc and the other was the best comedy... now I know what you may be thinking... "what if that last winner was the best trial and and this winner is the best investigation"? Ahahahaahahahah, ohhhh, you people...


Riddler wags his finger at you people. How dare you make that guess that I'm sure you didn't actually make.


Riddler: How very naive of you to make that guess that I'm sure you actually made... I mean, let's be honest here - the "investigation" part of that award name was just added to be nice. An investigation would never actually win something of this magnitude. Need I remind you that it is the general consensus that investigations kind of... for the lack of a more elegant word - suck? Many choose to omit them altogether! So no, it wouldn't have been that, that much is obvious.


Riddler puts his hand to his chin in ponderment. That's a word, right? ...Well, it should be.


Riddler: So... why? Why do we have this award for the second year in a row...


After a few moments, he dons a look of realization.


Riddler: Eureka! I know the answer! There is only one explanation! ...The same retarded monkey that named these awards is the same one who decided on which ones would be used each year. And the winner of this award this year will either be a completely redundant reawarding of the winner from last year, or will completely retroactively invalidate the award from last year! Let's find out, shall we?


Riddler takes out the kind envelope that every presenter has had, but I only mentioned in the first two presentations and then never again up until this very moment, because to say it each time would be redundantly redundant. He opens the envelope and takes out the note...


Riddler: And the winner is... The Virtual Turnabout. Well, let me start out by saying congrats to you, Blackrune. That was your twelfth award tonight! The people certainly appreciate you! ...And no one else... the second thing I'd like to note is that it's the latter - it completely invalidates last years' award. Sorry Silence of the Turnabout, evidently we do not love you anymore. If this wasn't amusing enough, Virtual was actually a trial that was finished by the time of last year's awards. Which would tell me that it wasn't better than Silence back then, but it now is. This is interesting, because to the best of my knowledge, no significant changes have been made to either in the last year. So... hmmmm...


The Riddler puts his hand back on his chin for several moments... before just shrugging.


Riddler: I'm sad to say, this may be one puzzle that even I cannot solve. I will have to chalk this one up to the logic that one has when they are composed entirely of mephamphetamine. A cop-out, I know, but it's literally the only thing that makes much sense. But let us cease with the foolishness. Because we are just about ready... for the grand finale. That's right, baboons. It's time now... for the final award... and the final riddle. So... riddle me this! Who are the folks that strike fear into the hearts of millions, in-universe... and out? Who are the catalysts to nigh-on every tale every told? ...Who are the ones that make every single story in existence worth hearing? Oh wow, would you look at that? It seems that the last riddle... is the first riddle! Wrap your primitive minds around THAT one... ahh, but anyone who saw how this broadcast began... most likely doesn't remember the answer. Frankly, I doubt you even remember how this sentence began. But that's okay. I'll feed you, baby birds. The answer is, of course... villains.


The Riddler pauses, holds onto his hat - and I advise you do the same. Yohohohoh~ - raises up his cane, and bangs it against the floor, whilst shouting;


Riddler: All of them!


As suddenly as a word that conveys even more suddenness than suddenly, the screen is filled up as in runs every villain that has presented an award so far - as well as a few others who had been heartlessly skipped from the earlier proceedings. It's a mite crowded in here, I must say.


The Penguin: Oy! I don't think I've ever seen such a massive group 'a posers in all of my days!

Clayface: A poser? Me? Please, I'm as genuine as they come.


A needless transformation commences.


"Catwoman": As if I would ever need to pretend to be someone I'm not. The very thought of it makes me feel dirty... mmm, better start licking myself~

Catwoman: ...Wow, do I seriously act that way...?



The Mad Hatter: Ahhh, so Alice, did you enjoy teatime?

Allison Wunderlund: Yes, actually. I have to admit, it was a lot less rapey and murdery than I thought it would be.

Calender Man/Victor Zsasz: That doesn't... disappoint you... does it, Ms. Wunderlund?


As Wunderlund jumps up and hides behind Hatter, Calender Man and Zsasz shoot a surprised look at each other, amazed at the fact that they said the exact same thing at the same time, but they even used the exact length of creepy pauses.


Zsasz: ...Did we just become best friends for life?

Calender Man: I do believe we did.



Mr. Freeze: So about you curing Nora...

Poison Ivy: I'm doing what now?

Freeze: Riddler told me about how you could likely create cures to diseases...

Ivy: ...There's a good chance I could manage that, actually. But in all good conscience I must remind you, the last time you and I paired up... didn't really go so well.

Freeze: ...I have been trying with all of my might to repress the memory of that movie. Congratulations. I must now kill both you and the Riddler.



Ra's al Ghul: ...Damn it... why did I not go to the Pits when I had a chance... all of these cretins... should be dead right now... why am I even still in here.............. DETECT-


Suddenly al Ghul bumps into a face that's unfortunately less familiar than it should be.


Damian Wayne: What, hey, get off of me- ...oh... hey.

Ra's: ...Hello.......... DETECTIVE!

Damian: I'm not a detective.

Ra's: Please don't ruin the rest of my dreams...........DETECTIVE!

Damian: ...If you say so...

Ra's: ...So... you're still going through that 'rebelling from the League of Assassins' phase, are you...?

Damian: Uh, yeah, yeah I'm still doing that...

Ra's: ...

Damian: ...

Ra's: I'm really not used to feeling quite this awkward........

Damian: Neither am-

Ra's: DETECTIVE!


Riddler: Well isn't this just a pleasant little gathering of evil...

???: YOU! RIDDLER! I have a problem with you, cabrón!

Riddler: What... oh what is this now...


Up stomps the insanely overinflated Bane, putting a finger in Riddler's face.


Bane: Why did you skip me?! I am more than popular enough to present awards!

Riddler: Ah, well, yes, I agree, but it's just that, at the time I was sending out the invitations for presentees, you were still caught up in those messy steroid hearings...

Two-Face: Oh yes, I remember hearing those. What an entirely fraudulent case. Fradulent?! Are you kidding me?! He's the most obvious steroid user I've ever seen! Steroids and venom aren't the same things at all. And what makes you say that, Mr. Wide-Eyed Idealist? You don't get so desperately addicted to steroids that you literally need them to continue living. I disagree. I've seen plenty of people who'd completely lose their livelihood without them. That's not what I mean, and you know it... Oh look, he's getting defensive! I'm not getting defensive, I'm responding to you in the only reasonable way. Must you be so abrasive? Yes! Yes, I do! Because I am your evil side! What part of that don't you get?!

Joker: Oh, for God's sakes you two, just whip 'em out and measure 'em already! ...Ooooohh, I didn't think that one through very well, now did I?

Two-Face: No... obviously, if we did that, it'd just be a tie. Ohhh you WISH it'd be a tie!


Riddler interrupts the arguing by banging his staff against the wall - in the process, once again bringing attention to the "E. Nigma Show" spray-painted onto it.


Riddler: Quiet, quiet, all of you. I've invited you all back in here because this is actually a rather special occasion - our last special award! And our last award at all as a matter of fact! It is the The Fellowship Award 2011! It's a lifetime achievement award that will be given to an author who has made special contributions to writing cases. And the winner is...


Drum-roll.


Joker: Oh sure, he can get a drumroll...

Everyone else: Shhh!


Riddler: ...Jean Of mArc!


At this, Joker and Harley both throw out confetti and play a celebratory tune on the kazoo.


Joker: ♫Ohhhh for he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow!♫

Joker and Harley: ♫For he's a jolly good felloooooooow!♫


Upon noticing that Harley had joined in, Joker quickly responds with a backhand that takes her to the floor.


Joker: THIS IS NOT A DUET!!!


Joker turns around and folds his arms indignantly. Ivy goes down and tends to her friend on the ground.


Ivy: Harley? Are you okay?

Harley: Ow... ahaha, yeah, I'm fine, Red... that was just a little lovetap... eeheehee~


Riddler: Well then. That concludes this year's AAO Annual Awards Ceremony. Congratulations go out to all three of the people that won something this year. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, I hope you die horribly!


Riddler waves us goodbye, but just before we can away, in comes a strange pellet onto the ground. Riddler stops and looks down at it for a moment.


Riddler: ...Oh for the love of f-


Smoke bursts out from the pellet and fills up the room. All that can be seen are the villains' silhouettes... which suddenly start disappearing. One-by-one, they all seem to fall by different means. Panic sets in as they realize what's going on, but they can't exactly see much about it as they can't see.

When the smoke clears, there are only three remaining - Riddler, Joker and Harley. Desperate, Joker grabs Harley and hides behind her.


Joker: Her first!!! Take her first!!!


On cue, Batman descends on a line from the ceiling, grabs Harley and pulls her back up before disappearing again. Evidently, the ceiling is much higher than it previously looked. After but a few seconds of the two being alone, Batman drops back down behind Joker. Startled, he turns around and falls to the ground on his back.


Joker: Oh! Ahahaahaha, h-hey, Bats! What took you so long? Do you have any idea how long we've been here just a-runnin' amok on global TV? And you just sat back and let it happen. God, you must look like a real as-


A single punch later, and he's out. With Joker down, Batman advances on the Riddler. He takes a step forward, and he too falls to the ground, holding up his hands in surrender.


Riddler: I give up! I give up!

Batman: ...Well, that was easy.

Riddler: It's... been one of those nights...


With that, Batman turns to the camera.


Cameraman: H-hold on! You don't need to take me in! I-I'll uh... oh! I'll let you have these!


With that, the Cameraman who's villain name I keep forgetting because he's so very not notable, attempts to bribe Batman by... throwing pennies at him. Shockingly, this doesn't accomplish much, and Batman comes closer to the camera.


Cameraman: Ack! S-Stay back! ...Okay, fine! You've forced me to fight you!


And so, the Cameraman attacks him by... throwing more pennies at him, in literally the exact same fashion as he just now was.


Batman: ...Joe, just turn off the camera.

Cameraman: Yeah, okay.


With this, we cut to black for just a moment...



...when we fade back in, we see Unas and that awful excuse for an eyeball next to him, back in their room.


Unas: Wow... that... was awful...

Best Most Mod Ever: Yeah... even I found that excruciating... but it atleast it's finally over...

Unas: Yeah... but... what did take Batman so long to come in and save us? I mean it probably doesn't seem like it, but that show went on for six hours...

Flying Purple Puppy Eater: Oh I can explain that, actually. You see, there was a topic that the Riddler secretly posted on AAO making it against the law for Batman to go into this building.

Unas: And he... followed that law?

Seriously I'm Not Even Kidding Here. This Is Not A Joke. I Really Want To Punch This Guy In The Face. If Only Eyeballs Had Faces. If Only...: Batman follows every law... except the ones against vigilantism, those he's free to ignore. But yes, I found said topic almost directly after we were locked away. So I went in and posted that I had locked it, as locking it invalidates the law.

Unas: ...So, again, I must ask - why did it take him so long?! If it was locked six hours ago, then what was-

Hater Of California: Oh, it wasn't locked six hours ago. It was only locked just now.

Unas: What? I thought you just said you locked it right after we were held hostage.

He Also Does THIS Alot: No no no, I said that I posted that the topic had been locked six hours ago. I didn't actually lock it until just now.

Unas: ...

THANK GOD He's Quiet In This Line: ...

Unas: ...I hate you so much.

We All Do, Unas. We All Do: I know~ But hey, atleast we're free now. And hey, we got out of having to present the awards! He did our jobs for us!

Unas: True. That probably was better than our show would be anyway, with just Billy Mays...


Out of curiosity, Unas looks at the Winner's Cheetsheet on the desk, and reads it...


Unas: ...Hey. Hey wait! The winners here! These aren't the ones that they announced at all!

Oblivious, As Usual: ...I beg your pardon?

Unas: The winners they announced! They... they weren't the ones that were actually voted in! Every single winner they announced was the wrong one!

Actually Asking A Good Question For Once: ...Even the Quercus Alba award? Who was the actual winner of that one?

Unas: I have absolutely no idea, but somehow it was not actually Turnabout Detective Girl!

Now He's Desperate, Hee Hee, Love Seeing Him Like This: No!! Quick, we have to announce them, now!

Unas: Too late! We only have a few seconds left of broadcast time!

THAT'S RIGHT SUFFERRRRRR: NOOOOOO!!! If only I hadn't wasted too much money to spring for the seven hours that I really wanted! IF ONLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-





And the feed cuts out right there...

Meph made a great choice investing in you, Zeel. The writing... not only is it superb (as always), but the sheer hilarity of the various film and literature characters coming forward to present the awards... Brilliant! The next part/s will be well worth the wait...

Congratulations to: (Part 1)

Oh thanks Tap you saved me from having to search that whole block of text (or should I say a work of art) where all the awards were written ;P

Definitely was liking all the Batman related characters, I was like did that just happen cuz I've been like a BOSS playing Arkham City as of recently.


Oh yeah and grats to you three winners, LOL 3 winners winning like all teh categories xP

Congratulations to everybody that won an award. also, I noticed that the riddler just named a show after me...or was it actually me cosplaying the riddler? Kehheheheheh.

**** you blackrune

i mean

uh

Sorry, friend, he's been E. Nigma for far longer than you have~

And you can't say that on TV, mac.

I know. That's partially where I got my name. Crystal meph's gonna' have a field day with mac. Beware his demonic expirements where he dresses you in a puppy suit and use a machine to kick you at walls.

This topic... it's written so hilariously!

*starts laughing uncontrollably*

LOL mAc


Actually, not sure if being srs or not...:X

Other than the fact that I appear to be dead and that my glorious self only appears in the introduction, it was nicely done, Zeel. Once you've finished all of it, I'll add the list of awards at the bottom with the winners of them.

Those are a lot of awards.
...
@mAc: Problem?
...
Thanks to everyone who deemed me worthy.

Let's see...
Best Game - I suppose this is mostly because there isn't much that would qualify as a 'game'. This wiill probably be tougher next year.
Best use of music - aka 'You used himitsu' award, hm? The choice of music I made in OHoaT is actually the one I'm most satisfied with.
Best use of custom sprites - R-Really? I mean, there really are greater sprites out there in my opinion. I guess I'll also have to thank Singidava here for creating the perfect otaku sprites.
Best incomplete trial or investigation - Seriously? Not Redeemer? Who dared to overhype this rushed comp case!? Well... now I can finally release part 3 and kill it all off at once.

Congratulations to everyone else who has won something so far.

You didn't vote for Redeemer either, so don't be trying to play that game.

Superb writing. I laughed so hard at the beginning. You changed Meph's name so many times... XD XD

Congrats to everyone that won! I'm afraid I only remembered about it at the moment...