There's one too many full stops in "....!" Change it to: "...!"
- Capitalise the second "mom" in "Mom... mom".
- Merge the frame "Mom... mom." with the following, "Mom?!"
- Rather odd repetition of words. "You are William Opied, correct?" "Yes..., correct"? Try not to end the following frame in the same manner. ^^'
- "Pauline, please calm down. I can assure you that we'll be just fine." This sentence begins on the 2nd line of the textbox.
- "Wha...Wah?" If an ellipsis is placed in the middle of a sentence, a space needs to be placed after it.
- It should be "Bailiff", not "Baliff"
- "And it will all be proven in 3 simple ways.Evidence..." There's no space between the full stop and "Evidence."
- "This is madness
" sounds a bit better than "chaos."
- "(The bowl used to cook the steaks also had traces of saffron inside it. And the maid's fingerprints.)" You wouldn't say bowl. Steaks are cooked on a grill, most of the time.
- When William says "No reason, Your Honor" in the first press conversation, he's floating on the Judge's bench.
- "Completely and absolutely unnecessary! Why would it matter if the family was eating a
a group!?" I believe you mean "as"?
- If you choose "Absolutely" in the first press conversation, William floats on the Judge's bench.
- Missing a full stop whenever evidence is added to the Court Record, e.g. "Steak Plate added to the Court Record"
- (When I got that evidence) "got" sounds awfully informal from what I'm reading of William's character. "received" sounds more of an apt fit.
- One doesn't say they "ingested" a "steak". You'd say that they ate one, yes. You would use ingest in the following example instance.
L1: The victim ordered, and ate a steak sprinkled with Saffron spice.
L2: The sprice he ingested triggered an acute allergic reaction.
- On the second statement, William's frame, "(...)", is missing his namebox.
- "You know, if you bothered to check,
you'd notice how there are finger prints on the lid right!?" You're missing a comma.
- "Fine tell me then how you can have finger prints on the lid but not on the bottle!?" A bit of a punctuation mess this sentence is.
Let's edit it...
"Fine, then tell me how you can have fingerprints on the lid but not on the bottle itself!?"
- I thought the "He... he... he..." was him stammering with some word beginning with those first two letters. Change it to: "He, he,
he..." and add the "Idea" SFX plus a flash tag for maximum effect.
- " G-Gloves?" There's an unnecessary extra space at the beginning of this frame.
- Highlight "gloves" in the three frames (Sundae, William, Sundae) in orange/red text.
- "But couldn't open the lid with the gloves on. So instead she took off one of the gloves. And..." The rule of thumb when using
an ellipsis to run off a sentence is to start the continuing sentence in the following frame with an ellipsis as well. So...
"...But couldn't open the lid with the gloves on. So instead she took off one of the gloves. And..."
- Same issue in the following frame.
- "Finger prints" is meant to be one word.
- "NO! THERE WERE NO OTHER FINGER PRINTS THAN THE DEFENDANTS!" A bit of a grammatical error here. Just need to swap around
a word. "NO! THERE WERE NO FINGERPRINTS OTHER THAN THE DEFENDANTS!"
- In the following couple of frames, there is an ellipsis spacing issue. As I mentioned earlier, if an ellipsis does not begin or end a
sentence, then there must
be a space directly after it.
- The next press conversation has a spelling error in the second frame. "barley" should be "barely."
- "How many steaks were made
! "Made" doesn't really fit it... I mean, yes you can use it, but there are other verbs that
would be a better fit. "Cook", "barbeque", or rather, "grill."
- "..........Well my answer in that case then is..." One too many ellipses to start off the sentence plus a couple of missed instances
for a comma. Change it to: "...Well, my answer in that case then, is..."
- When Sundae's zoom sprite shows up, there's an extra space before "Right!?"
- "Oh really? Well then I suppose that I'll just wait for that time...INSERT
I'll strike!" Here is a
clear example of the ellipsis issue.
- "Yeah ...right ...anyway ...you can move on with your testimony." Ooh... this looks awkwardly phrased. Let's clean it up:
"Yeah... right. Anyway... you can move on with your testimony."
- It should be "co-counsel" rather than "co-counsil."
- "(.......Ok......)" Ooh... >< "(......Okay.)" A set of two ellipses are usually the most you should go. I also changed "Ok" to "Okay" since the latter has the effect of emphasising the detective's childish behaviour, already furthered by Meekins' sprites.
- "With information, however,
a person can gain knowledge if they apply it in situations." Missing a comma~!
- "( A-Anyway...)" Extra space at the start.
- "Tell me if my math is correct. 3 -2 =1 correct?" "Tell me if my math is correct. 3 - 2 = 1 correct?" Space out the equations or remove the spaces in it altogether.
if you want to learn math, you're
in the wrong place. Another worthless question in my opinion." Added
the missing commas and changed "your" to "you're."
- "If 3 steaks were made,
but one went uncooked,
then where did it disappear to?" Re-worded the sentence slightly, and
also highlighted where you're missing a couple of commas.
- "I'll admit it probably wasn't the best idea to cook the steak. But it's irrelevant!" An extra space before "but"...
- "I think that's my decision to make.-" "I think that's my decision to make--"
- "No your honor. The defense doesn't believe that the cooking of the steak matters." "No, Your Honor
. The defense
doesn't believe that the cooking of the steak matters."
- "Cooked S
teak added into the Court Record." Forgot your capitalisation there,
you may continue your testimony."