Attourny Badge should be Attorney badge; (I, William Opieed, case hunter, have stumbled upon a rather interesting case today.) (Death by allergic reaction. That's all I needed to hear to jump on this case.) You are...William, correct? Yes, and you must be Sirven Traunt, correct? (That and I don't want it in my record that i defended and psycho maid...) She died from an allergic reaction to Saffron, a very rare spice. Well, that's my cue, and don't worry, I handle all my cases in the dark like this.
All of the grammar and spelling errors in the court lobby scene. I will post later with any grammar and spelling errors I find in court.
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Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:42 pm
ZetaAzuel
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:16 am Posts: 1694 Location: Lightning rushing through Ionia
Gender: Male
Spoken languages: English
Well I had a feeling that grammar would probably be the bulk of the problem. Rest of the beta testers kinda said the same thing. But I think you for pointing out the errors.
Well im not sure if anyone noticed this but there was an error in the autopsy i think it says that she is age 33 but the profile says 43 not sure which one is right though.
Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:55 am
ZetaAzuel
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:16 am Posts: 1694 Location: Lightning rushing through Ionia
Gender: Male
Spoken languages: English
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 7:24 am Posts: 5518 Location: Exactly where you least expect me to be.
Gender: Male
Spoken languages: English, Dutch, German, French, Spanish, Al Bhed
Started playing the first case, I'll post some crit to go with my report~
Spoiler : Report/Crit :
Huh, I thought it was called 'The Spiced Turnabout' since that's what it said on the spoiler tag...
Nice, you've thought to add a frame before the prologue starts. I once accidentally skipped the prologue, because it started right away and I was still typing, and thus assumed there wasn't one. xD
Well done... you didn't forget to turn off the blips for the prologue... but, um... the text should actually be plain white. ^^''
"I'm not going to lose everything ...not to that person I wont..."
This should be "I'm not going to lose everything... not to that person, I won't..."
"This will be the last moment... and then nothing... nothing"
Put an ellipsis at the end, I think it'd flow better that way.
"Will stop me from from getting what i deserve... what is rightfully mine..."
When 'I' is used as a personal pronoun, please capitalise it. Also, the word 'from' was used twice here.
"And then...all will be in order... everything will be... in perfect wonderful...order..."
This should be "And then... all will be in order... everything will be... in perfect, wonderful... order..." As you can see, there shouldn't be a space before an ellipsis, but there should be after it... unless the ellipsis is at the beginning of a frame. If it is, you don't need to put a space.
You almost got the timestamps right. Generally, the timestamps are done like this:
Location, time General location More specific location
For example, your timestamp in the defendant lobby should look like this:
[Date Unavailable], 7:15 AM District Court Defendant Lobby No. 4
Also, there shouldn't be a timer, but you've already said you'd take it out, so...
"(I William Opieed, case hunter have stumbled upon a rather interesting case today.)"
This sentence doesn't really flow very well, and also, titles are usually capitalised in AA games; I'd change it to "(I, William Opieed, Case Hunter Extraordinaire, have stumbled upon a rather interesting case today.)"
"You are...William, correct?"
Don't forget the space.
"Ho, Ho, I've heard stories about you. Only taking interesting cases."
The second 'Ho' doesn't need to be capitalised. Also, get rid of the comma between the two.
"Well I'm glad you took on our case, it really is quite confusing."
Put a comma after 'Well'.
As a side note, sorry for my grammar nazism so far... it all just really stands out to me. xD
Also, I just noticed that the word 'Badge' isn't capitalised in the Court Record. Usually, every word in the labels of the pieces of evidence are capitalised.
"Isn't there supposed to be a 2nd defendant? A maid?"
'2nd' looks really awkward, and I don't think the AA games wrote it like that either, so I'd just make it 'second'.
Two defendants...? How interesting...
...I suppose I'll just skip the mistakes regarding ellipses, seeing as I've already addressed them a few times.
Heh... Little Plum is bizarrely fitting as a maid, even though I would never have picked her for such a role. It must be the broom!
"Please miss, don't get violent in court. It will only make you look guilty."
AA games tend to capitalise nouns that are used to refer to an individual. Also, when addressing someone, always put a space before the noun that refers to the individual in question. Keeping that in mind, the sentence transforms into this: "Please, Miss, don't get violent in court. It will only make you look guilty." This is easily missed, though. I'm probably making it sound like it's some huge crime or something... xD
"(That and I don't want it in my record that I defended a psycho maid...)"
Doesn't flow very well, I'd make that "(That, and I don't want my record to show that I defended a psycho maid...)"
"Oh alright, but rest assured I won't go down without a fight."
Put a comma after 'Oh'.
"More importantly, could you give me a quick brief on the trial?"
Is brief even a word in this context...?
Ah but of course, I shall brief you real quick.
Comma after 'Ah'.
"The victims name is LeTris Pertantrum. God bless her soul."
Change this to "The victim's name is LeTris Pertantrum. God bless her soul." I think 'rest' would fit better than 'bless' in this context, but that's just me. Also, that pun is pure win.
"She died from an allergic reaction to Saffron, a very rare spice."
There's no need to capitalise 'saffron'.
I think you just missed a comma somewhere, but I clicked through the frame and forgot what exactly it said... it was something like 'Something new something [...]" though.
Put a comma after 'new', or whatever it said instead of that~.
"Don't tell me anymore I want to experience this full on. The surprise is the best of the case."
"Don't tell me any more, I want to experience this full-on. The surprise is the best of the case."
...I'm really digging William's mindset.
"SILENCE"
Either put an exclamation mark or a period. It looks pretty empty at present.
"The trial will begin shorty. Please enter the courtroom."
What's that? What's wrong with this frame? Oh, nothing, I'm just happy to finally be getting to the trial phase!
"No need to worry about that. Anyway just stay high in spirits."
Comma after 'Anyway'. xD
"Court is now in session for the trial of Pauline Roe and Sirven Traunt."
Perfect~
Alright, I'm checking out the profiles now... one mistake I noticed was the order. Profile info is usually organised like this:
Age: Gender: [Description]
Also, in the judge's profile info, it says 'preceding' instead of 'presiding'.
"As always your honor."
'Your Honor' should be capitalised. Also, note the lack of the comma before 'your honor'. If you've read my comment up till now, you know what to do~.
"Oh and look who we have here defending today..."
Psst. Commaaaaaaaaa~. xD
'oh so wonderful' is usually written like 'oh-so-wonderful'.
"Let's give him a hand everyone!"
*clears throat*
I love William's character quirk~. Gives a nice excuse for the book. xD
"I hope that makes sense to you Jack."
I wonder if you know what I'm getting at...?
"Quote all the smarties you want to William. But rest assured I will beat you today."
[Generic criticism, AKA see above]
Hmm, their dialogue makes me think they're familiar with each other...
"There will be no swearing of any sort in my courtroom understood!?"
Needz moar commas. Specifically, after 'courtroom'.
"I do not want the people watching to hear your harsh words do you understand Mr. Sundae!?"
Commas after 'words' and 'understand'.
They've faced off against each other before...? Interesting... and my hunch was correct!
"And I've won each and every one against him. That might be the cause of his anger."
But of course~! Someone who is portrayed by Remiel Alikzander's sprites can't possibly lose~~ *shot*
"Well, know this today will be the day that I defeat you. I assure it!"
"Well, know this: today will be the day that I defeat you, I assure you!" would flow better.
"...I would like to plead modus ponens your honor."
Omigosh, use of Latin~. Also, commas and capitalisation~.
Heh... Sundae seems to have trouble complying with His Honor's terms...
"*Sigh*I thought you of all people would understand classical logic."
Actions shown using asterisks aren't supposed to be capitalised... also, shouldn't it be 'classic'?
"It is a required skill for all lawyers, prosecutors and defense attorney's."
Huh, I thought lawyers and defense attorneys were the same thing... also, get rid of the comma in 'defense attorney's'.
"Just shut up will you and explain."
I'd leave out 'will you'; otherwise, I'm not sure how to fix this. ^^''
"P implies Q. As in if P happens then Q will happen."
Comma after 'As in' and 'happens'~
"Example: If I am ready then I will be in the courtroom."
Comma after 'ready'~
"I am ready therefore I am in the courtroom."
Dypo deLuna wrote:
Comma after 'ready'~
"OK! We get it! He's ready can we please move on!?"
Dypo deLuna wrote:
Comma after 'ready'~
xD Didn't think I'd get to quote that a second time~
"Will the prosecution give it's opening statements."
"The prosecution can give its opening statement."
Damn it, gotta stop for now. I'll edit this post with the continuation later~. *saves trial*
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チラセ・マギタ
~Married to Evolina deLuna~ <3 ~Loving father to ZetaAzuel~
Proud creator of Cynder Janice, Rex Gladiorum, and Raimpius in Endless Time.
Sun Oct 23, 2011 7:13 pm
Blackrune
Joined: Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:11 am Posts: 2910 Location: Right behind you
Spoken languages: English, German, Japanese
Hehe... I love the setting. Rich family? Mansion? Servants? You can always count me in. Regardless of that, the plot is pretty interesting. Gets one to think. I loved how at first there were only light hints about the other people before it slowly gets revealed who was there and what everyone did.
Spoiler : :
Funny plot-excuse for how the steak is still available for testing. Lol, he hides it for one day before eating it? Weird habits sure are convenient. xDDD
My heart skipped a beat when I saw that you made a post. As for the rich person mansion servants thing. I dunno something about it just clicked to me XD. I'm glad you like it though, and I assure you that the ending will be pretty interesting as will the rest of the plot.
Spoiler : STEAKS :
Hehe, yeah I suppose that is REALLY convenient about that habit. I mean somehow someway I had to make it happen.
I skimmed over what you have for the next part, and i have to say, I shouldn't be working for you! For a first trial, this is one of the best I've ever played! ALso, they're hardly any plot inconsistancy! You really shouold try to get this featured when it's finished!
_________________ † I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and am proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.† I love My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic and I'm proud of it! Paste this into your sig if you are too! Currently Playing: Higurashi (Starting Matsuribayashi)
Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:10 pm
ZetaAzuel
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:16 am Posts: 1694 Location: Lightning rushing through Ionia
Gender: Male
Spoken languages: English
Youi really think so? Hehe I'll try my best as soon as I'm done with part 2. Then I suppose I can ask Meph or someone to do a review and see what they think. But hey I can't do this alone I need someone to test out the trial anyway and I really do appreciate it that you're one of the people helping me out here.
Legitimate Bump! I am done with part 2 of a Spicy Turnabout, after beta testing. I plan to release the final part of the trial which is about 1966 frames So I thank you for your patience
Case 1-2 is out finally! After all this hard work and a few test runs I believe that the case is finally ready for the public to see. Of course I will still accept any constructive criticism necessary. I'm just so happy that I finally got it done after so long
Case 1-2 is out finally! After all this hard work and a few test runs I believe that the case is finally ready for the public to see. Of course I will still accept any constructive criticism necessary. I'm just so happy that I finally got it done after so long
Congratulations on your 3665 frame first case.
...Wait a minute, is this first case done?
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ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
Thu Nov 10, 2011 4:31 am
ZetaAzuel
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:16 am Posts: 1694 Location: Lightning rushing through Ionia
Gender: Male
Spoken languages: English
Yes indeed this case is finally done. It took me quite awhile to finish it and do all this testing on it. I'm kinda hoping that it will a little attention even if it is just a first trial.
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Well I had a feeling that grammar would probably be the bulk of the problem. Rest of the beta testers kinda said the same thing. But I think you for pointing out the errors.
Also, the word 'from' was used twice here.
Hehe, yeah I suppose that is REALLY convenient about that habit. I mean somehow someway I had to make it happen. 
